I (50m) met a woman (33F) on seeking. From the start we had amazing chemistry, and our first M&G turned into a long, passionate night together. As she said goodbye, she said, "I'd really like to just date you to date you! But the reality is my circumstances mean I need the money." This was okay with me - I wasn't looking for anything too serious, just someone I could go out with now and again that I liked. But it didn't feel like that. It felt like a pretty deep connection.

Within a few weeks, she said she wanted to be monogamous. I wasn't seeing anyone else (and wasn't likely to) but she had multiple partners as well as being very active in the kink community, so it was a big deal for her. We talked frankly about money - she counted on income from sugaring to make up the shortfall from her job. Not a lot, just once or twice a month. So I agreed to cover the difference. This didn't feel like a SD/SB relationship, and I explicitly asked her, "Are you my girlfriend, so naturally I'm helping you … or are you my girlfriend because I'm helping you?" She sincerely said it was the former, and that within a few months she'd be more stable financially and not need "help" anymore.

For the first couple of months it was epic! We had a lot in common despite the age gap, including some incredibly specific things that were both near and dear to our hearts. Time together was fun! And the sex was off the charts! It felt like we were in love, in a relationship. The money made it a little weird, but … it really seemed like it was an afterthought, just an unfortunate necessity. Unfortunately she got injured at work and couldn't work anymore. Things changed a lot; everything revolved around her many troubles. I stepped up, like I would for someone I love, and helped as much as I could, largely in ways that were not financial. She was in such a delicate place mentally and emotionally though, that the "fun" wasn't really there anymore, except on some very notable occasions that were big, exciting outings.

After a few more months of this, I realized I was giving a lot more than I was getting; I had to tiptoe around her mental health limitations, and had no room to assert my own needs. But to her credit, she was hustling every day to line up the resources and help she needed to recover. I stood by her, figuring it had to get better, and if this was her at her worst - than at her best she'd be a supernova of awesome! But …it just didn't get better. And it was next to impossible to talk about that, because she'd take it so hard, she'd spiral out.

Finally though, I just reached my limit, and had to have a big talk about all the stuff I'd been trying to just bottle up, hoping it would get better eventually. It did not go well. I talked in "I feel" statements, no accusations, just talking about how things were affecting me. I acknowledged that her needs were legitimate and more urgent than my own, but expressed how hard it was to consistently put my needs last for months on end, and in a fairly new relationship. I also said that supporting her was financially draining me, and I needed to reevaluate that. She said, "It sounds like you shouldn't be helping me at all. That's okay, I can make it work." We didn't break up or anything, but neither did we come up with any immediate solutions.

A few days later we got together again. My heart was in my throat on the way to her place, because I was pretty sure I had to break things off with her. Of course, if she'd thought about things, and had a major breakthrough, if there was a healthy way forward I'd have been open to that, but failing that I'd decided we just weren't a good long term match. After some small talk, we both got into, and she had some things to say too. I asked her to go first. She'd decided that we weren't a good long term match, either, and that was the source of the problems. She also expressed anger that I wasn't going to pay her any more, something I'd agreed to and it was unfair to renege on that. I was relieved, I wouldn't be breaking her heart. The things she said that led her to believe we weren't right for each other were based on a pretty serious misunderstanding of what I'd actually said…but you know what? Didn't matter, what..I was going to convince her that she was wrong that we weren't right for each other, and then break up with her anyway? We said goodbye. It was cordial.

But when I was thinking about it later … something wasn't sitting quite right, until I figured it out. The one thing she'd been most upset about was the money. She told me over and over how much she loved me, and how lucky she was to have me….but three days after I told her I had to reduce my financial commitment (I wasn't intending zero, that's just what she came up with) she decided we weren't "a long term match." I believe she showed her true colors there, that all along the money had been the most important thing. I’m sure she had some genuine feelings. But the most important thing was the money. No money, no girlfriend. In the light of that, I also doubt she was actually monogamous with me.

It's all left a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't think any relationship that starts out as a transaction can ever evolve into a "vanilla" (believe me, we were anything but vanilla..) relationship without the doubt about the SB's sincerity lingering. This was the best case scenario, in a lot of ways - instant connection, apparently sincere feelings, lots in common, just all around simpatico. And still, it turns out, it was still more about the money than anything. Or maybe ALL about the money, and I just fell for an act. It's not the end of the world, I'm not broken-hearted, I'd decided we needed to end things myself, anyway. But I'm walking away from this deeply cynical about any sugar connection ever being more than that. I don't think I'll use Seeking again, either; SD/SB relationships are more than just one-off, and with someone I go on dates with, share day-to-day joys and troubles with, and experience intimacy with, I'm far too likely to catch feels. I should have known that from the start, right? You keep them like you find them. If you find 'em understanding that they'd never go out with you if you didn't pay … then that's not very likely to change, is it?

Best of luck to all you SB and SD's out there, to find what you need and want, on your own terms! Ain't no shame in the hustle, you've just to remember that's what it is, a hustle.