A little short back story - my husband (30 m) and me (30 f) have been married in a monogamous relationship for 3 years. I grew up Catholic and carry strong Catholic guilt and shame in me. My husband and I were married by the Lutheran church which I thought meant we had a strong understanding in the vows we took to our uucommitment. We have always had a “healthy” and very active sex life. Both open to ideas and exploring but me mostly limited by instilled beliefs. 3 years in I find him nonconsentually “trading” me online in pornographic ways and deep into his porn use which was a tell tale sign of his fantasies and desires. I was mortified, violated and betrayed but also intrigued. It felt so wrong to me because of what I was raised to believe but intriguing because maybe a part of me wanted those things too. Months later and much therapy later I have faced some drastic realities of mine that have been hiding in shame for decades - my sexuality

My fear and anxiety surrounding his acts and fantasies has a deeper layer than betrayal…. My attraction to women that I have denied myself the acceptance of until now. I am attracted to women just as much as I am men. I believe that I am probably bisexual, but not sure yet if I want to identify as that. In the beginning of acknowledging this I was ecstatic! For the first time in my life I allowed myself to accept my sexual fantasies of being with other women sexually, or including additional people into my husband and mines sex life. I felt high on life. Then it came crashing down, fast.

The Catholic guilt. The shame. The fear. The “this is bad, what is wrong with me?” Sank in. I don’t believe this to be true for anybody else but it is so engrained in me that it must be “bad” for me. My husband is so supportive and open minded. He encourages me to explore this part of myself, speaks kindly to me and wants to grow with me. So why, despite his acceptance and support of this is it so hard for me to navigate this? I want to accept this but I’m scared. The fear drives me back to my catholic teachings engrained in me. Where do I go from here? How do I escape the guilt and move forward with truly honoring and accepting my true self and working this into my marriage? Any resources, knowledge or advise is greatly appreciated. This is all so new and I literally have no idea where to start!