NOTE: This is not an invitation to predators. This is a heartfelt rant of a moment I experienced. Please read all comments before you decide to message me based on just this post. ✌🏽

Update: I made this post earlier, but deleted because I started worrying about not coming across as a fun person. Fuck that. This is not going to be a fun account. Here, dreary is so common, it’s mundane. I’m fully aware that this is not ‘attractive’. But I can’t write when I’m happy. And I’m doing this for me.

There’s a pit in my stomach. A near constant pit that laughs at me, and sympathizes with me, manipulates me into accepting its unending, undeniable existence. It’s my worst enemy, it’s my best friend.

I’ve written paragraphs and left them halfway today, trying to construct some semblance of structure to the flow of my thoughts. On one side, I’m feeling proud, brave, determined, and more than a little amused. Flip the coin, and I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m lonely, and this quest is… arduous. [Click here for context.] Am I emotionally drained? I don’t know, I guess not yet. Or perhaps I am, but pausing seems implausible, because pausing means pushing the chance of relief even further into the future. I… can’t do that. I don’t think I have it in me to do that.

All I want to do is.. kneel. Kneel to one who… chases these demons away. Who makes these questions of - who am I, which label do I fall under, am I a sub or a slave or a brat or a pet, or is it all combined, why do I like the idea of one over the other, am I not into this lifestyle anymore at all - inane.

I know I self sabotage. Hell, a former online Dom recently told me that my personals post is much tamer to what I like IRL - did I do that? It makes sense that I must have, but why did I do that? - so perhaps I make things too difficult. And why would anyone want to be with someone who makes things too difficult? Why would anyone want to collar someone.. burdensome?

But.. is it still that impossible an ask? To find someone who can stay my hand, still my mind? Obviously I don’t want to rely on someone else, and this… journey… is my attempt at becoming more self-reliant emotionally, perhaps even an attempt at finally finding a way to learn to be okay alone… but could I please not have to?

I’ll do anything to not have to.