A theme that occurs a lot here on reddit, Dom’s who claim to be Dom’s. When I look through r/BDSMpersonals, r/BDSMPersonals30Plus, or personals on Reddit for kinky;dirty, bdsm posting , even comments under posts, there are a lot of Dom’s which are giving shit advice or are red flags.

On the other hand, when I search through certain subreddits here, especially r/bdsmadvice, r/subsanctuary partially, and r/submissive too, there are posts from submissives who are either clueless, broken, or were left by their Dominants.

For the submissives out there that got left by your Dom’s without a clue, I am so sorry for you all. I am sure if you are not a novice, you have done a great job in vetting, and jerks of Dom’s can even hide in someone you’ve been vetting for a month.

But now Novice submissives. I have seen a lot of posts from Submissives that were just throwing themselves into a D/s relationship with no clue of what a D/s is looking alike. Or I saw a post of novice submissives that were complaining that they got left but when I read the text it was full of red flags.

While I know the feeling that you want to get a Dom so bad, and you want to let loose of you guiding your life or just give up a bit of control, please educate yourself first.

There are simple things you can read and simple things you can teach yourself. But inform yourself and educate yourself so you have a clue of what you're getting yourself into. A D/s relationship is not something to joke about; it takes serious negotiation, communication, the building of trust, and knowledge.

I saw a post that was asking, So how does this all work? How does a D/s relationship works?

I was slightly taken aback by such a question; I mean, just think about you throwing yourself into a D/s relationship without knowledge of anything. You should at least understand what is abuse and what isn’t abuse.

There are a lot of wannabe Dom’s out there; our favorites are the ones who write to you: Hello baby, do you want to be my submissive? Please, Novice submissives don’t ever fall into that, they are just out for their own pleasure, to abuse the gift you have. The gift of being submissive.

A lot of authentic Dominants refer to the submission you give as one, if not the most beautiful gift they ever receive. You are a gift. Your submission is a gift, a Dominant that is slipping into your DM's, and just writing to you something inappropriate like:

-          Hi lil sub

-          Hey slut wanna get your holes used

-          Hi

-          Hi do you want to be my submissive?

-          You want to be broken, slut?

That is so wrong. So Wrong! Those are not Dominants those are abusers. Out for their own pleasure. A real Dominant will introduce themselves, conduct themselves properly, they will write to you in a respectful manner, search a conversation before anything else.

They are talking to you on a level where you are the same as them; they are not more, and you are not in dept of giving them power. They might want you as a submissive, but firstly they want to get to know you, you as a person.

Who are you? What submissive type you might have? What makes you you?

They will negotiate with you, and I believe it takes a lot for a good dominant to ask you to be their submissive. It might be a little awkward when they ask you, or you can feel that they are nervous. That’s what you want to search for, not a Dominant who straightly requests that you call Sir.

There are good books out there for educating yourself.

-          The new bottoming book

-          The new topping book

-          Women the ownership manual

-          625 question to ask a Dominant

-          The submissive diaries of Sophie Morgan

-          The brats diaries LettiLustcraft

-          The punishment diaries LettiLustcraft

-          Caregivers guide to strict and loving discipline - clarine klein

-          Submissive training: 23 things you must know about how to be a submissive - Elisabeth Cramer

-          Doms Guide to submissive training - Elisabeth Cramer

-          The BDSM play book - Elisabeth cramer

-          BDSM for beginners - more sex, more fun book club

-          100 things a dom/master should know - James masters

-          How to be the perfect submissive - Romi foxx

-          BDSM Mastery—Relationships a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and Submissives - Robert J. Rubel PhD

-          Protocols: A Variety of Views, Robert J.

There are also good sites like

-          Ask a sub from Lina Dune

-          The submissive guide

There is youtube

-          Both interviews of Angel Blue and Berlin in soft white Underbelly

-          Evie Lupine

-          Loving BDSM

Teach yourself for your safety; no one can save you if you end up in a situation where you risk yourself and feel abused. BDSM is not about abuse; it is about a connection two or more people share that is consented to, negotiated, and foremost loving.

If this is a regular D/s with 1 to 99% power exchange, an M/s with a total power exchange, a DD/lg relationship. A fwb D/s relationship. In a professional D/s relationship, all those are based on a consented, negotiated base.