I like dorky guys. Men lacking in charisma and sexual confidence. There’s a profound cuteness in the way they interact with me, their cautious restraint, their tangible intimidation of my sexuality, and their desperation to hide their obvious attraction to it. They’re afraid of me. And I like it.

My attraction to this type of man is not wholesome. My pleasure is at their expense. I find their discomfort entertaining. It makes me feel powerful, authoritative. They’re fun to tease, they’re fun to play with, they’re fun to manipulate. I’m free to rile them up and discard them at my whim, or if I so choose, give myself to them and bask in their disbelief at their own luck and revel in the understanding that this experience I’m giving them right now will replay in their minds over and over again for as long as they live.

I was at a brewery one night with a young man I’d met a few times, named Todd, and another guy. Todd was one of those guys through and through. He was overweight. His facial hair was slightly unfortunate. His wardrobe choices were unburdened by style. He liked talking about video games and looking at anybody but me when he spoke. He did have a girlfriend, I suspect the only one he’d ever had. I’d met her once. She was sort of what you’d expect. Her beauty was definitely more niche than mine, and her insecurity seemed to bubble to the surface and define her personality, at least around me. She was kind of mean to Todd. Ordering him around and criticizing him seemed to be the go-to outlet for her anxiety.

Anyway, on this particular evening Todd’s deepest fear suddenly manifested when our mutual friend, too insignificant to the story to have a name, stood up to use the restroom. He and I were alone together. I could feel his blood pressure increasing and decided it was best to initiate a dialogue before his heart burst. I asked how his girlfriend was doing. He managed a single “good.” He made eye contact with me when he said it, but was soon overwhelmed and turned his gaze down towards his beer before he rallied his confidence and returned his eyes to meet mine again, only to quickly realize he had been right the first time and returned them to the beer. “You two are living together now, right?” I asked. “Yeah, we are” he confirmed as the inner struggle for control of his eyeballs raged on.

“How’s the sex?” I asked, not only because I’m sadistic but also because I am sincerely fascinated by the sex lives of, you know, the less fortunate. The beer had conclusively won the battle for Todd’s gaze by now, and the next one was over whether to focus on the beer itself or deep through the table in its direction. “Um,” he shrugged and elaborated no further.

I understood he was in a state of social panic and this answer was ascertained under duress and would not hold up in a court of law. But the surge of power I felt watching this man squirm under oath overruled my dedication to the spirit of the law so I approached the bench without caution. (Yeah idk either. I hooked up with a lawyer recently which naturally prompted me to re-binge Suits and I’ve been spewing daytime-drama legalese like this all week. It’s a sensitive issue. Supportive replies only plz.)

“That bad, huh? What’s the problem?” His face scrunched up as he presumably tried to reconcile how this conversation had gotten so out of hand from the mere 5 single syllable words he’d spoken. I was fully geared up to keep verbally bullying this man, but at that moment the insignificant other guy came back from the bathroom.

Oh, and so here’s the thing. I was definitely there to hook up with the insignificant other guy. Todd was his friend. He’d been my Friday night guy for the last three or four weeks. We’d meet at this brewery and hang with a rotating cast of his friends for a few drinks (I’m pretty sure only to flaunt to his friends that he was banging a hot girl) then return to my place which was a few blocks away. He liked smoking weed with me and listening to deftones while we fucked and would pause halfway through to smoke more weed and afterwards we’d watch Hunter Hunter which is an anime he insisted was great and seemed to think I would enjoy (even though it was exactly like all the other animes? Ambiguously aged kids in warrior school? Wow thanks for the creativity, Japan. If only there was a fiercely non-binary bad guy…). So, yeah, we were basically married. And in case my description left any ambiguity, insignificant other guy was not a guy you’d put your money on in a bar fight. I couldn’t even imagine him getting into a bar fight. He did this cool thing when men hit on me where he’d suddenly be very distracted by his phone or engrossed in the menu and evidently trust me to shoo the guy off myself. Intentional or not, his primary defense truly was his choice of venue; not a lot of sexually aggressive men at this craft beer bar.

“Wow he sounds like a giant pussy. What a loser. You were hooking up with THAT guy?” I can hear you ask with judgement in your voice. Well, yeah, that’s because I wrote his introductory paragraph to make him sound like a giant pussy, I respond defensively and slightly insulted. He was actually very funny and quick-witted, very sweet, and had the precise amount of self esteem that made him fun to fuck and indulge me with wistful sweet talk, but not enough to expect any commitment. Generally the notion of a guy not being the only guy on the roster has to remain an unspoken truth even in the most casual of situationships, lest the male ego become fractured which I then have to quickly glue back together. But insignificant other guy expected nothing less. It was refreshing. Also he made this hilarious guttural sound during sex that made me feel like a dime and a half. Too many men are stoic and silent and even if you tell them to take noise they just go like “grrr” or something lol.

Anyway, insignificant other guy returned. He seemed ready to share a comedic anecdote from his time in the bathroom but I cut him off to inform him that Todd was having sex problems with his girlfriend. Todd deflated even further as insignificant other guy looked between me and him a few times. Eager to dismiss the tension with comedy, insignificant other guy playfully scolded Todd, “you know condoms aren’t a big deal if you just jerk off less”. And to be fair, no sane person could have predicted the arousing effect that sentence would have on me. To quote the great philosopher Patrick Starr, “the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma”

“She makes you use condoms?” I asked with an intensity alarming enough to wipe the smile off insignificant other guy’s face and even inspired Todd to overcome his fear of my eyes. He confirmed this with the meek justification that, despite her birth control, she didn’t want any risk of pregnancy until they were married and ready for a baby. I asked if they used one every single time. He confirmed again like a child admitting to breaking the lamp. “Even on your birthday?” He nodded, a slight squint acknowledged my redundancy. But my redundancy was to emphasize my disbelief. “So you’ve never not used a condom?” He shook his head. “You’ve never actually felt the inside of a vagina? Like even for a second?”

“No. They always use a condom” insignificant other guy interjected with uncharacteristic annoyance in his voice. “That’s not that weird either. Most people use condoms, you know.” He immediately realized that’s not something one should say to a woman that’s allowed him to cum inside her for the last month. Without meeting my glare he retreated from the conversation and took his turn staring into his drink. “That’s so sad. I think every man should know what it feels like.” I said to Todd, ridiculous sexy voice fully deployed. He had no problem looking at me now. He wasn’t afraid anymore, he was hypnotized.

“Do you want to,” I whispered “Feel it?”. Insignificant other guy took a big sip. “I mean- Yeah. Of course.” Todd babbled. “Well then maybe you should.” Todd desperately looked to his friend for input but his friend was busy frantically admiring the wall decorations. I learned over insignificant other guy towards Todd to let my cleavage vouch for my seriousness. “I want you to feel it, Todd. I want you to feel me. Now.”

My tactless proposition continued on in that manner until Todd was convinced I was serious (because, naturally, his hesitation seemed to have nothing to do with his live-in girlfriend and everything to do with the fear of shame should this be a joke). The insignificant other guy was pale and looked like he was going to puke but I assured him it wouldn’t affect our usual routine. Just a fun spicy little warm up. He did not find that comforting, but he had very little negotiating power here and he knew it so he quietly acquiesced.

Within the hour we were entering my apartment where I lead Todd in a trance-like state over to my beautiful couch and sat him down as the insignificant other guy slumped behind us and plopped down on the other end. I put on Around the Fur and stood before Todd. I pulled off my tank and bralette in one well-rehearsed motion and jiggled my boobs for him in an attempt to procure a smile. I let him smush his beet-red face into my chest before I slid off my pants, dropped my underwear, and did a little 360 for him, showing off all my features. Swaying to the beat I lowered myself down between his legs and to my delight felt he was rock hard. He pulled it out for me and into my mouth it went. At this point insignificant other guy abruptly stood up and announced he was going to go wait in the bedroom. I would have had to take Todd’s cock out of my mouth so respond, which would have been very rude, so I dismissed him with a wave.

I was a bit concerned about Todd’s endurance so the bj did not last long. I got back to my feet, turned around, and grinded on him (ground on him?) and continued my little lap dance until he had been sufficiently teased and I asked if he was ready. He said yes, and so just like that I slipped him right in and sat on him. A bit more reaction would have been nice, if we’re being honest, but I understood that was a tall order for Todd. I bounced up and down on him for a little while he grabbed my hips so hard he seemed concerned l’d float away. I said I wanted him to squeeze my tits and he immediately switched his iron clad grip to my breasts like he’d done something wrong and I decided not to comment on his actions anymore.

I asked him my favorite question. “Is my pussy better than your girlfriend’s?” He needed no time to consider his answer. “Oh yeah.” then added “Way better”. A true poet. We did a couple positions. He didn’t have much input but agreed to whatever I asked. It wasn’t too long before I could feel him getting close and then I watched him experience for the first time what his orgasm is truly supposed to feel like. He writhed with pleasure so intense his face presented it like pain as he emptied himself into me. Ngl I love that part. I gave him a nice long kiss and he kissed me back.

When we were done I told Todd to make himself at home and went to the bedroom to let the insignificant other guy have his turn. He asked if Todd had cum inside. I told him he had. He seemed conflicted by this so I made the executive decision. “How about I just blow you?”. So that’s what we did, though there was a distinct lack of hilarious guttural noises this time. He finished up and I swallowed and we joined Todd back in the living room. Neither of them had anything to say to me or each other. I asked if they wanted to watch Hunter Hunter but insignificant other guy said they should get going and they both left. I got a follow request from Todd on instagram about a few days later which I accepted, and he sent me a reel every now and again and I’d ‘heart’ it but he never actually messaged me and eventually the reels stopped. Instagram informed me he proposed to his girlfriend a couple months after our encounter. They’re married now. The insignificant other guy texted me again the next Friday and a few times after that but I felt our situation had run it’s course and I never answered and never saw him again. THE END.