I’m honestly so numb about it I don’t know that I even care. I am torn up about the fact that I feel this crazy divide within myself that I can’t seem to shake for a very long time. I’ve been a 304 for like 10years I did mostly private stuff, online, escort etc. I taught myself pole when I was 23 I fell in love with it and always wondered what it would be like to get out there and make money with the skill. I remember feeling so cliche buying a pole off eBay back then for my tiny apartment I shared with my shitty bf at the time and hoped he would accept it. (He was cheating on me so of course he didn’t care what I did anymore at that point). Anyway if you been fallowing my posts here you’ll know a bit more on my back story of what got me to this point, to sum it up again, my son was taken by dcf right before Christmas and that tipped the scale for me to start stripping because I needed to make fast lawyer money.

Honestly it hasn’t been that luxurious as I thought I was struggling and all I was able to do was pay rent, pay back what I owed to my landlord for damaged to the other apartment I had, avoid evictions and other legal problems and basically just continue to stay afloat. I am still very great fun for this job though. I kept getting worn out over the summer and tried my best to stay at it. I took care of business first but I admittedly was kinda irresponsible with some money I poured a lot back into the industrious I wanted upgraded looks. I’m still financially struggling and doing my best and what really drives me nuts is I don’t feel like I accomplished much in this time that my son had been in dcf foster care while I’ve been trying to get my shit together. I still have the “problematic dog” who’s been a nightmare to try and rehome when he’s the sweetest dog. (People just are weary that he’s a pitbull) I still don’t have reliable transportation and I have been lying about my job this whole time…. I am going to have a conversation about all this with my lawyer before we go to custody trial on October 1st but I’m scared as hell and this whole time it hasn’t been helping that mom has tried to shame me through the entire process….

We’ve been fighting ever since my son was removed and she treats me like one woke crazy wild party girl who torment have any sense of responsibility or understanding of life. This makes me so angry because it’s like she raised me and has no idea how much more aware than I am. She doesn’t seem to understand that this job is or was the only thing that could save me…. What sucks is I love this job because it feels like art and an incredible freeing experience. On the other hand I do hate the times where men are being men and either pushing you around or trying to push your buttons and how all that can make me feel small and like this is degrading. But what my mom doesn’t seem to understand is that she thinks that the noble thing to do is push up your sleeves and work a “noble job” in other words something that isn’t sw even if you have to suffer long hours to make peanuts…

For a woman who preached independence to me growing up I’m angry that she doesn’t se that I too am “rolling up my sleeves” and going to work… this isn’t all just fun and games to me. I need this type of work and I am baffled that she doesn’t get how nice it is to make the schedule that works for me and put in the hours and do what I need to do and leave and how this job has allowed me to take off for however many days if I needed to to recover.

I do wish that I had down a few things differently in these months but it doesn’t help that for about half of it I had a lawyer that left me in the dark until I requested to change them…

I’m just wondering now that I’ve gotten this far and I have a plan in place for me and my son, how will I move on from this? How am I going to continue a relationship with my mom? I’m not going to worry about it now and just avoid talking to her for now…. I know she’ll never accept it ever, even if I cured cancer or was a scientist and I kept pole dancing as a sense of personal freedom I know she’d never get it… I don’t think I need her acceptance to move forward but I’m just depressed and hope that I’ve at the very least done all that I can and the right things to try and bring my little guy home… I miss him, I miss my life with him and I don’t want to wait any longer to receive him back.