for me? it’s been both.

I have a complicated relationship with this one…

For example: I have been bullied and made fun of, on multiple occasions, by both clients and female dancers. I have had dancers threaten to fight me. I have felt invisible, a customer sat on me before; etc. I have been kicked out of sections. Called racial pejoratives, called “ugly” to my face, etc. One time a guy asked me “why are your tits so small?” & am I “even a woman”?

But, then again, I have also brought in my own clientele… I have experienced people “making it rain on me.” I have been told guys would marry me, guys wanna fuck me, guys wanna fly me out, I have been told “you’re the girl of my dreams.” The list goes on & on…

There’s a lot more experiences I have had in my dancing career, those are just some examples to name a few.

Man. This job really does a number on your self esteem.

My club has mirrors all around it, both in the dressing room and also surrounding the stage. So, because of this, I find myself body-checking a lot of the time. The mirrors are helpful for dancing of course, but it’s also a double-edged sword because it does distort my own self-perception if that makes sense.

It really is a striking contrast: the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.

Example: One time a man gave me a $100 bill just for talking to him for less than two minutes. I didn’t even have to do anything. Or like sometimes, I will clock in & go out on the floor and I have barely started my shift, and someone is already flagging me down for a dance. * boom. * Super confidence boost right there!

Or, on the sadder side of things: I have had nights where I made literally $0, or worse… I have actually had nights where I was the only person on the Dance Tracker sheet who didn’t have any dances.

I took that L, all the way home. And I carried the sadness and shame and rejection and disappointment with me.

But then I reminded myself that I wasn’t doing extras, or doing anything nasty/super risky in that regard. And so that made me feel a little less bad about falling short of quotas, or being the only woman all night to not sell any dances, and things like that.

But yeah, that’s a terrible/sucky/miserable feeling. I have literally went home crying before. On MULTIPLE occasions.

Now, I don’t take things AS personally, or I no longer allow things to get me down as much or affect me so deeply. And now, I do what I have to do & hustle HARDER, to make sure I always leave with SOMETHING — even if the club was “slow” or I fell slightly short of my goal.

Let me know if any of you guys relate…

Do you feel like a princess/queen/goddess/angel/etc.? Or do you feel like trash?

For me I have bipolar depression so this job triggers me a lot. But, also, dancing is a fun outlet/escape.

I’m trying to separate the emotions of my “character” from the emotions of the real me — to help protect myself and to help cope with the pain.