To preface, this story happened when I was a senior in high school (everyone is 18!). I'm 34 and married to a woman now, and finally acknowledging and understanding that I am in fact, gay. I hope writing my expierences helps get some off my chest, courage to finally come out, and maybe relate/talk to others in similar circumstances.

Anyways, here we go! I was 18 and a senior in high school. I was a virgin, not that the fact bothered me much. I'd had a few high school girlfriends, but only when as far as heavy make outs, over the clothes type petting. I just didn't have much interest in getting in their panties, though their boobs were fun to feel. I identified as straight, but never had really put much thought into my sexuallity. I knew I was different, because cute boys had always caught my eye, made my heart beat a little faster, and gave me little butterflies. I was attracted to girls, though looking back, maybe it was more envy in their beauty, ability to dress sexy and flaunt their sexuality, and be with cute boys. Girls were fun, but they never made my heart beat fast or give me butterflies. I like being friends with them, most of my best friends were girls. Again, lots of red flags I just didn't acknowledge or really understand.

Being in Texas, there were very few openly gay guys in high school. The city I was in wasn't overly conservative and it wasn't frowned upon to be gay, but it just wasn't something openly acknowledged or super socially acceptable. There were a handful of openly gay guys, one of which I'd had a not-so-little crush on since seeing him freshman year. Brendan was in the marching band with me, and played the french horn as well. We were acquaintances but never really friends that hung out or socialized outside the band setting. I guess you could say he was the twink type, 5'10 thin but toned, auburn hair and sexy blue eyes. I was smitten from afar, not sure how to pursue a guy or even if I wanted to be with him. So on I went dating girls, holding their hands in the band hall while watching Brendan across the room wondering if he even noticed me.

I remember the particular day that senior year vividly. By this time, I was single, just not interested in any of the girls I knew. My little crush on Brendan had become a borderline obsession and I was terrified. My little glances his way while hanging out around the band hall were in retrospect long day dreaming stairs, which he apparently was all too aware of after it was brought to his attention by a few of the girl-besties he hung out with (I learned this later on). During one of my 'glances' he turned and stared straight at me and gave me a smirk. I was frozen; I didn't know whether to pass out, throw up, or crawl under a rock and never come out. I glanced away, red faced, and moon walked out of the band hall like Homer Simpson into the bushes.

That day, I went home and got on facebook (this was right when it had come out). My heart leapt to my throat when I saw I had a message from Brendan. It was a standard "hey hows it going" type thing. I typed a brief reply, and shakingly hit send. We had a few general back and forths and then moved our convo over to AIM. I can't remember what all was said, but for the next week or two we chatted daily on AIM for a couple hours. Just general stuff, not sure who was going to make a move first (I knew it wasn't going to be me!). Gradually things started to get a little flirty, playful teasing. Then he said I was cute. THE BOY I HAD BEEN CRUSHING ON CALLED ME CUTE! I think I squealed for the first time.

He asked why I didn't have a girlfriend, and I said meh, none are interesting enough. He asked if I ever had a boyfriend, and I said "not yet". The hit was slowly, painfully building, and this simple "not yet" kicked things up a notch. He asked if I'd like to come over after school one day and study together....he'ld be home alone. Trying not to sound eager, I waited a few hours before typing a 'sure'. The date was set.

That Friday, I drove to his house, my hands shaking and sweating. I knocked on his door, he gave me a hug, and led me to his bedroom. We didn't even pretend to try to study. He flopped on his bed and I laid down next to him, looking in his eyes. It was now or never, and the sexual tension between us was one I don't think I've felt ever since. Looking into my eyes, he grabbed my hand and asked if he could kiss me. I nodded my head and he pulled me in close, and boom. My first kiss with a boy. And damn was it good, I let out a soft involuntary moan as his tongue worked his way to mine. We were soon fully making out as his hands ran over my body, eventually down to my crotch where I almost came just from him touching my throbbing bulge.

He rolled on top of me, still making out. My legs parted, and now my hands roamed his body. Over his back, and down to his perfect butt. My mind going a million miles a minute, but one thought was "this is so so so much better than kissing any girl'. Brendan pull away, propping himself up on his elbows and looked down on me smiling. 'So, what do you want to do'. Meekly I said anything you want to, everything. I saw a fire go up in his eyes. 'Say it. Tell me what you want'. I gulped, never had I ever said out loud what I wanted to do with a guy. Just fantasies that played out in my head.