Im sorry mama, I know you’re not going to hear or see this, but my mind has been contemplating to stay here or leave it.

You brought so much joy to the family, yet i was ungrateful, i see why we had many fights sitting at the table.

Your charismatic smile, will never be forgotten, you lit every soul in the room, and i know i was dragging your health to the bottom.

I apologise for being so irrational, its just seeing my brothers get something and not me made me feel unfavourable.

Your beauty in signing is what the worlds needs, as you used to sing after an argument and it would keep me at peace.

Im sorry for disrespecting your husband, he always talked shit about my dad, and i think thats why i have lowkey gone mad, i called you both names that should never of been said to anyone, your husband was disrespecting me and making me go numb.

By the time i was 10 i already wanted to be dead, seeing your smile go away, is what really killed me.

Your high-blood pressure was initially my fault i know you didn’t want to see your husband and son fighting over some christian cult.

I believe in god, don’t get me wrong, but i have sinned so much, life feels totally wrong. You always told me to always do your best even tho we weren’t blood related im sure i had it the best.

It wasn’t any of your fault it was only mine, got involved with drugs now i can barely go without a line, you held me close and you could smell the wine, hearing the pain in ur throat get bigger each day, i know you just wanted me to be okay.

I have ruined your life and your husbands made that clear, im sorry mama but i really want to disappear.

The feeling of rejection is something i fear im not going to lie, when i got kicked out my mind was on suicide, if i ever die from this just know deep down i love you

Im sorry.