First time 3 days sober in a good 2 years.

In advance:

I didn't mean to make this post so long, when I started with (less shakey, drinking water) I just wrote another sentence, then another.. getting all my feelings out, talking myself through what I'm doing publicl.. I feel like I'm 16 on livejournal right now.

I genuinely cried a couple happy tears at particular moments realizing I deserve this.

Just teared up writing that

This post starts where it ends:

Less Shakey every day, drinking water. Probably not enough, but I'm getting there.

At home:

Slept 2 hours after being awake from 9 a.m. Sunday to 3 a.m. Today. I was shaking and miserable, but coherent and functional.. I preferred being in pain and here to drinking away my pain for a couple hours and waking up worse, I chose this and I want it.

When I woke up for work at 6 a.m. today, I asked my partner to cuddle for 5 more minutes, and I got so upset when she didn't want to sleep in for 5 m.. I was just so fucking tired. I'm still so tired..

I got up and made it a point to hustle out the door before her because I felt so bad for being rude, and our cars were frozen over..

When I got home I was a jerk again, super triggered by the mess in our house.. it looked like my parents house when dad drank trash cans full of bottles..
I cleaned up the wholllleeee house - again, labor of love but also self serving because I was so bothered by our mess.. When I took out the recycling, I saw that my own recycling is almost filled to the brim.. maybe 3 small boxes and potentially 100 white claw surge cans, all the big ones, full to the top..

I finally understand though, how my father got to that point.. pile of Mickey's cans underneath his trailer with no heat.. like, tow behind trailer.. in the back yard of his house that burned down 12 years ago and he's literally too old and broken to do anything but work security and send me right wing memes I can't stop him, I genuinely still love the guy.. he was a great dad.. he just wasn't present as much as he needed to be to get ahead, everything hurts too much.. drink it away.

What a good reminder, that gross ass can is, and how rad it will be to have room in the recycling.

At work:

When I sleep in, and we are surprised by ice, we're usually late..

I defrosted her car and mine, I was still kind of a dick but I try to make it up with labor.. I know labor doesn't mean much if you're close to unbearable.

Work is way easier, now but I'm much more critical of my team.. I'm much more present, I walk into work with a new pair of lenses.. I am not allowing a whole lot of leniency, when usually I'd let something pass that shouldn't because I was too hazed to care to argue why the work needs to be a certain quality..

Best part, the guys are taking my shit, and instead of getting hurt or upset, they're focussing on their work and really, really trying.

Am I a stronger leader for paying tons of attention and being over prepared because I already have so much more focus.. I've been going to work and shutting off at 3:30 p.m. for like.. 2 years?

Or are they empathetic, and respecting my space and own feelings while I make this attempt.

They see what I'm going through these last several years. They've seen my shakes get real bad recently as I came to the date I told myself I was going to quite or die..

I told everyone at work what I was going to do a while back.. I'm very honest with the people I work with, and I may be one of the only ones that drink to just before blackout after work every day, the all weekend long leading up to this first honest, premeditated attempt.

A 'plan'

What a dumb idea to get super smashed before a 'planned' day one, I but I had a plan.

Drink water like you're hungover, then don't give in at 5.

Then try again no matter what shitty temporary withdrawal symptom I felt. Because I read here it's only temporary.. you can get over a lot.

I set up a few things I could do all night long if I didn't sleep - that was crucial Sunday night..

I planned to just watch a series and not stop scrolling, or play video games.

I watched all of 1899 Sunday, and it was fucking awesome - what a show to watch while attempting to change your lifes..

I went straight to work early after I finished, fully prepared.. cranky and super shakey, but I'd already told everyone what to expect.. and they were great yesterday and today.. they're okay usually, but they actually listened to me today, they even heard most of it and got a lot done..

I did that because I knew that if I waited for the week off to quit I keep not taking because I'm also addicted to work, I would MAYBE end up in the hospital.. like before the end of the year.

Tonight

So for tonight, I feel great.. I haven't had a craving for anything but peace from these shakes.

I stopped at my normal white claw spot, it's a local corner market that's a staple of my off work routine.. and I knew what I was going for - walked right past those tall blue cans that embody my shakes in my brain to their stash of recess sodas.

They're marketed as an alternative to alcohol, that's always funny cause it's basically a 3.99 fancy ass la croix

I will happily go another whole night awake.. and everyone has work well past tomorrow without me if I get to sleep and want to stay in bed.

I'm getting sleepy? 🤞

TLDR: IWNDWYT