I do not know what is wrong with me. I’m over a month sober. This is far from my first rodeo. 30 days is pretty old news at this point. I know it’s an accomplishment but it feels so small after celebrating a year a few months ago. And I just don’t freaking want to be sober! How “poor me” is that? I know I’m better sober. Better as a person, girlfriend, at work, on and on. But I just want a damn drink. And it freaks me out that I decided to drink after over a year of sobriety. I’m tired of the cycle and I know the answer is to end it and not drink for long enough for things to get better. I could do more to fuel my recovery. Not drinking alone is not enough. I KNOW THESE THINGS. And yet I just wanna drink. I know people in long term recovery who are happy. Hell I was one of them for a second. I know it’s possible. I just can’t find it. And my brain will not shut up.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated :)