Morning everyone! Still in my first week here. But I’m calling this start to my sobriety year 1 but 2.0. Because it isn’t really year 1. Im just starting my day count over. I’ve had a lot of big emotions the last couple days and am truly exhausted. I remember this vaguely from my last stint of sobriety but I’m still just about over it. I’ve had a few lightbulb moments this week… I’m sure they aren’t as enlightening as I think but here they are.

I was sober for 14 months and relapsed pretty hard. Now starting over, it’s easy to shame spiral and be mad at myself. And also, what if I relapse again? Why wasn’t I “healed” before? Well first I have new experiences and can learn new tools. Second, and this is what helped me, even if I relapse again after another 14 months (or a decade or 30 freaking years) I would rather just have those years sober. I can’t control future me other than setting her up as best I can. I want the sober years… even if they end. Hopefully they don’t. Hopefully this is my last relapse. But staying in my relapse because I’m scared of…. Another relapse…. Well that is not logical.

My other moment was fighting my self hatred/body dismorphia which has been pretty bad lately. And self hatred/anxiety leads to drinking so any progress on this is good. Like a million other people, I don’t love my stomach. But I was staring in the mirror trying to find some self love when I started looking at my scar. I have a belly button piercing scar. I have zero emotions attached to this scar. It’s a noticeable imperfection on my body but I never think about it and am indifferent to it showing in crop tops…. So truly my self hatred comes from the subconscious programming that if I’m not model skinny, I’m unworthy. It’s all about the shape that I have deemed as the most superior (or society has) and not living up to that. Not ACTUAL imperfections. Not that scars are bad either. And seeing something to compare that to helped me see the insanity of it all. Still a long way to go. But idk it helped me a little.

Kind of just using this as a journal/outlet because I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. So thanks for reading. My brain fog is still present. I used to be a decent writer so I’m grateful for the practice. IWNDWYT