And I'm feeling...

Well

I scrolled through my fb memories and my other anniversary posts have been frontloaded with spite, resentment, and grudging acceptance. Followed by a reluctant admission that this is preferable to the alternative.

I think this is the first year that I've felt honestly at peace with the reality of it. I only recently started saying the A word out loud; for a bunch of reasons I had a lot of trouble using it. I am too smart for my own good: smart enough to come up with reasons my drinking problem might not quite qualify as alcoholism. So when I occasionally went to meetings, I would say "I have problems with alcohol". And this avoidance of the word helped me at first; it allowed me to assess what was driving my drinking habit, and the way it affected me, and conclude that "whether it qualifies or not, it's not doing me any good, and causing a lot of harm. I know myself well enough to know that moderation is not a reasonable goal, so the only reasonable option is to quit entirely."

That combined with some helpful omens (thank you Temperance tarot card) got me to make a choice to stop. Occasional 12 step meetings helped for a few years. The one I went to was for general addiction recovery, and flexible in terms of interpreting the wisdom of the 12 steps, otherwise I don't think I could have gone at all.

More recently I read "The Small Book", about Rational Recovery, a secular alternative to the 12 step system which is frankly not appropriate for all people. That helped me let go of the 12 steps, in which I had been stalled out at 4 (I know myself too well to ever believe I've finished fully inventorying my moral baggage; it was just going in circles).

I also recently passed my 1 year anniversary with a really good partner who drinks, but understands and supports me sobriety. They always ask me before drinking when we're together, and work with me to make sure our nights out and parties we host aren't going to make it more difficult for me. I have more fun as the sober one watching other people's drunk antics (and making sure everyone is safe) than I ever did when I was the one getting wasted.

I have been seeing a terrific therapist for the past half-year making real, tangible progress on the trauma pit that I used to fill up with booze, and has now finally drained to the point where I can see what's going on in there. My commitment to sobriety extends to the avoidant defense mechanism behind it: everything I drank to avoid, I can't bring myself to ignore anymore. I haven't spoken to my mother in over a year for the things I've remembered in those therapy sessions.

My brother tried to quit drinking earlier this year, and we set up a time where he's been calling me once a week for support. He didn't keep up with the sobriety, but we've kept up with the phone calls, and he says they're really helpful. Our relationship has never been closer. I always assumed he was the perfect one in the family. He's the one with the Ph.D (I dropped out twice), the house (I've been on the edge of being evicted for years), a lasting marriage (mine was less than a year) and a beautiful daughter. Now I find out he's been suffering his entire life from pressure to succeed and fear of failure; all his external indicators of success are skin-deep, and inside he feels worthless. He has always been a much heavier drinker than me (one of the reasons I didn't feel like I "qualified").

The other day, I told him "if I had to choose between your problems and mine, I'd choose mine."

So here is my view from 5 years. I don't think I'll give up.