This has been a great two weeks. Lots of time spent with my family and daddy daughter time. Productive at work and with house projects. No hangovers or anxiety, and I’m generally happy and thinking extremely clear.

But I think back now to how my drinking behavior has been the past few years. Even when I have tried to moderate in the past, this is how it goes:

First I’ll have a drink or two, because well why not. Then the next day or two I’ll have a drink again, just a few. Then the following days I might over indulge by this point especially if it’s a weekend. After that, I’ll notice my anxiety creeping back in and it’s affecting my work, which makes me want to drink just a little bit more than I did before, because taking the edge off feels amazing.

Then by this point I am constantly thinking about when the next time I’m going to drink is. My anxiety and depression is creeping in so I have an urge drink again, and this time throw in some shots along with the beer I’m drinking. If I’m out with a friend, I’ll drink 2x what they drink usually because I’m trying to get that buzz going to take the edge off faster - plus I don’t want to stay out long and make my wife suspicious that I’m drinking a lot, so I’ll fit as many drinks in as I can during the lunch with my friend.

I’ll come (drive) home kinda drunk, then open up more when I get home. Then I’ll get in a fight because she found out how much I actually drank, so I drink more that evening because the heavy buzz has ahold of me. Then the next morning, I’ll wake up with anxiety at 4am and then eventually have a panic attack mid morning that has death grips on me to where I’m shaking, sweating, rapid heart rate, dizzy etc. Feels like I’m dying, so I take a Xanax to try and stop it.

Then at this point, I say to myself, wow, I am back in the 3-4 week drinking cycle that I’ve been aware that I fall into when I drink. Only now it’s gotten worse in my 30’s and it’s not as cool to have major panic attacks from a hangover when you have a child to take care of.

My daughter is my why, she is the reason I’m trying. She is also the reason I’m getting better. It’s been 2 weeks during this voluntarily dry January, I actually did it last year too in 2021. I think the fact that I look forward to dry January, just tells me I probably just enjoy having a legitimate excuse to tell people why I’m not drinking. Maybe if I told them I’m doing a Dry Decade, I’ll just keep this going.