I can now see how my cycle starts. I will drink because I feel as if I have control. I will have 1-2 drinks a few days in a row. Then I feel in control because I’m able to stop after 1-2.

Then the following days I notice my anxiety is up a little, ok let’s have a few drinks to now take the edge off - not a big deal because I’m in control right? Wrong.

The next few days I’ll start to feel on edge a little more from anxiety caused from alcohol, so then I’ll decided to sneak a quick shot in to take off the edge, then just drink a few beers. Then the next day, I’ll find a way to go drink until the edge is off again, then continue with liquor, heavy beers and keep the buzz going because my anxiety is finally gone in the moment. Usually don’t remember part of the night.

But then in the middle of night I’ll wake up with heart racing, anxiety having a death grip on me, sweating and feeling like shit. It’s at this moment I step back again from drinking, only to return a week or two later once I feel back “in control.”

Then the cycle continues again. What a fucking life to live.