alcohol is a bitch. I went 90 days. That was some magic number for me and I was proud. But it was also the day I said fuck it.

It was building up. I mostly stopped because I was sick of feeling like shit, or so I told myself. It was really because I was worried about my health after 35 yrs of drinking. Turns out i have an amazing liver and kidneys. Most recent blood work came back and my kidneys are better than they were 1, 2 and 5 yrs ago, and my liver too. That's 3 months sober after the massive binge I went on during almost all of covid lockdown. Im still going to die prematurely from my years of drinking but what did that news lead me to. Drinking again. I said Ill have a few, I had a 12 pack. 2 days later 1.5l of wine. And then a 1.5l of wine with a hidden 750ml which of course I took part in as soon as the 1.5l ran out.

You can run but you cant hide. I was perfectly fine sober. Until I wasnt. I just cant seem to live without it. Even knowing I can. I just dont WANT to. Until I feel like shit again or think im gonna die. I really thought I had it this time. Deep down in my brain I thought I was changed. I was wrong. I dont know what it will take. Im only sharing because i want you to realize this shit is hard. You think you got it but you dont. Keep trying, I will too. But I already hear myself talking to myself saying, no, you wont.

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tl:dr positive results allowed my brain to convince me that it was ok to drink again