TL/DR: Recognizing codependency, fully processing that i needed to leave before actually leaving really helped. It’s okay to take time to make really serious decisions. All you really have is time. Prioritize sobriety. Kind of a journal.

When i dropped alcohol out of my life, one of the first things i gained was confidence in myself (still something i work on every day!) But as time progressed, i realized alcohol wasn’t the only thing holding me back, but the people i allowed myself to be around were also significantly muddying my aspirations.

I have had few friends offer me a drink, I’m actually okay in a drinking environment. The main thing I’m having trouble with is realizing a lot of my friendships aren’t as deep as i would have hoped. My past relationship basically consisted of me walking on eggshells with my ex because i lacked 0 confidence in myself. I think the relationship allowed me to learn a lot about myself though, and she’s still a good person.

What i’m saying is, when i was drinking, she saw my weakness, and over time i think it was impossible for her to not see me as weak. It was enlightening/depressing to come to the realization that people so close to you can and will view you in a subconsciously condescending way on a daily basis because of this disease. Oh well, I’m glad we’re no longer a part of each others lives because it was mostly negativity and i know she’s a positive person (as i believe myself to be most of the time).

Accepting you’re better off without your significant other is HARD. If i had ran away from her when i first felt the feeling that being friends was impossible, it probably would have hurt me so much that i would have drank again. I’m now around 17 weeks sober and the thought to end knowing her has never left my head, but I’m strong enough to make a decision that may be irrevocable in the long run. I’m glad I continued to know her in the early parts of my sobriety, if not just to be close to someone who knew my dark days.

IWNDWYT