Warning - depressing post!

So I have just over 4 months. Longest I’ve ever gone. Last time I relapsed at 3.5 months. But to be honest, I’ve been struggling every day for a month. And today I just finally broke down. Everything is getting to me. I just want to drink. I know it’s not healthy. I know I’m not a “normal” drinker and would over do it. But I just want my brain to shut off and I’m really struggling. Everyone in the sober community that I know from AA just tells me to pray... well I’m not religious. I’m tired of hearing how proud people are of me or that I’m doing well it’ll get better. I’m not doing well. I’m tired and angry that I’m not allowed to drink. I know if it wasn’t for my husband I would be getting drunk with a girlfriend right now. But I know he doesn’t want me if I drink. So I’m trying. I’m trying to wait for the miracle. But I’m so tired. Some people feel fucking awesome after a few months. I’ve only drank 3 days since Jan 22nd. And I’m feeling so discouraged. I know myself and the relapse has already started in my head. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve created a sober Instagram to try and create a community. I’m posting here. I’ve been open with people close to me. There just isn’t an answer. I don’t want to live my life white knuckling it. Idk what advice anyone can give but I’m just stuck in a self pity cycle. Thank you for listening. I’m trying to just sit in My feelings but I’m running out of steam. But IWNDWYT. ❤️