Edit: This is a big post. I hope that's okay. I'm not necessarily expecting it to be read much. This is more for me.

I have a nontraditional relationship. My girlfriend is engaged to another man. We all live together. Tomorrow/today if you're Easter Standard Time is my 11 month anniversary with her. She and her fiancé have been together six years. I was married before. I'm very recently officially divorced, but the divorce began almost a year ago, a month before I began dating my current partner. I'm polyamorous, and it is practiced consensually. My last relationship, obviously, didn't work out so well. I was with my ex for eight years. There was a lot of times that I turned to drinking to relax/destress, and eventually it turned more regular. My ex warned me multiple times I was getting worse and worse. The men in my family ( on my father's side) are historically alcoholics. I've been worried about it.

Apparently, though, I had thrown that worry to the wind a while ago. I used alcohol to cope, a lot. There were a lot of issues between my ex and me. We didn't get a divorce over my drinking. But there were still times I was told that I need to cut back. I didn't stop for a while yet, though. There were a few times that I got completely ripped. I always regretted it. It always caused a problem in my current relationship because I was letting my drunk brain drive my emotions, which even still are all over the place.

It started Friday night. We were having a good night. Game night with friends. But things didn't end as well as the rest of the night. Something happened, and I got really depressed. And then angry. And I woke up Saturday still angry. Throughout the day my mood was like a rollercoaster. Eventually, I broke down and told my partner what was going on. But it took a few times. I told her part of it, about me being upset, but not the details of what made me angry. That was later in the night. After I told her, things got worse for a while...

This morning was really hard. My partner was stuck in a way. And so was I. Her fiancé had work, so he was gone for this. Her fiancé and her had a very rough night Saturday, too. There came a point where I asked my partner if it was even helping, me being there. I had tried interacting with her earlier, and it didn't elicit much response. And that made me upset. I found out soon after that I was being selfish. But I was asking for assurance that I shouldn't have needed. But when my partner told me it wasn't going to impact her one way or the other if I was there, it was like I had gotten punched in the gut.

We were sitting on our couch, which is kinda big. It has an L attachment, and has three big cushions, too. We were pretty far from each other, and I just kind of sat there for a few minutes. I got up and got my backpack filled with stuff for the day and almost left. I was planning to come back. But I had no idea when. I don't remember what time it was. But early. Maybe 11:30/12p EST. I was planning to be gone for hours. My partner's fiancé wouldn't be back from work for another 4~ish hours. And I would be giving them time to talk and have space.

Right before I left, though, my partner had started asking me what was going on. I broke almost immediately and told her that it shouldn't matter. I was a bit harsh at the start. I didn't insult her or anything. I was just very deliberate with what I said. Eventually, she asked me not to go. After a little, she said I should just go, and left to go to her bedroom. I eventually joined her, and this was where my victory was.

I was going to leave. And, if I left, I don't know if I would have been able to keep myself from driving to a bar. But, I stayed, and eventually my partner and I talked a little. We started reading stories to each other. Scary stories. It was nice. I never got to do that before with anyone, read scary stories. Anyway, though. I know that I've rambled a lot. I listened to an entire album while writing this. This was the hardest day I had not drinking, and I wasn't even near alcohol. My partner and her fiancé drink. And that's fine. I even make them drinks at times. Those days aren't really hard, though. I am fine right now being around it. Besides, I like that my partner likes the usual drink I make for her.

I'm coming up on three months soon for not drinking. This isn't the first time I've tried reducing my intake. It is my first time going this long with no alcohol. And I'm working to stick with it. I know that this will be very hard. I know that there's going to be roadblocks, and honestly most likely a few resets in the future. But, right now, I'm hopeful. I pushed through today, and it was way better than drinking ever would be. And I won't be hungover tomorrow for work.

If you read all this, thank you. This is not my primary account. It isn't even my first alt. But I don't know what I'll end up posting, and I want to be able to be honest about things. Maybe that says something about me from using a second alt. But it's what I'm comfortable with. Thank you, all, for this community. IWNDWYT ( I had to Google that a day or two ago!)