Hey guys. Hope everyone is having a good day. I am struggling. And have been a while. Idk what my tracker says but I’m just past 90 days. And I feel worse than I did at 30. I’m trying to just push through. I know I’m not doing everything my sponsor says to do but I don’t feel a connection right now with what she’s saying. I know excuses. I prayed last night like she said even though I don’t have a strong higher power. My marriage is failing. Which is a whole different subreddit 🙃 I love my husband very much but we’ve been through so much. Drinking related and not drinking related and there might just be too much baggage. I’m technically essential so I’m working a bunch. I can’t go see family because of the obvious. I’m just going crazy. Everyone I work with drinks. I keep binge eating. I’m stressed and sad. And also a very large part of me thinks if my marriage fails I’m just going to start drinking again. And I HATE myself that there is almost a want for that and there would almost be a relief that I don’t have to try to be this sober happy person anymore for my husband. But I know I need to keep doing this for myself. The last time I drank was BAD. I drunk dialed the world. Drank so much and embarrassed myself. And I woke up and realized if I kept going, I would eventually drink myself to death. But somehow here I am wanting to drink. My girlfriends are planning a girls trip (obviously for a few months). And I don’t know if I’ll be able to go. Right now I think I would break and drink. But even if I’m in a healthier spot by then, they are big drinkers. When I was a drinker, would I have wanted a sober person just tagging along?

Idk I’m stressed but won’t drink. I’m just mad and sad and miss my husband but at the same time am very scared about losing him. I know that was a lot of rambling. If you read that, thank you. I think I just could use some words of encouragement.

Have a wonderful day.