For context: I wrote the below to myself in my sobriety app but I've been thinking it would be good to share more. My partner and I recently relapsed after 6 months staying sober. It's only been a few weeks, but I guess what I hear about every new experiment being worse is true. There's been involuntary hospitalization, a lot of missed work, fights and utter shameful embarrassment, sketchy at best sexual encounters with unknowns, and to ice this cake finally my partner went to jail on a felony. He's out now, miraculously he still has his job. But enough was enough, we simply cannot do this together because we rely too much on each other and our failures feed each other in a vicious cycle. We had just signed a new lease, but he decided to move into sober living, partially to keep his job, partially to help with the eventual court proceedings, but mostly to stand a fighting chance of actual recovery. I'm still moving into the place we were going to live. We're both financially at our limit. Last week was also my last binge and I missed FOUR days of work. I communicated with my boss some during this time but that's still crazy. So. Today was the day my partner had to move into his new sober house, after only three days home from jail. There will be minimal contact between us for at least six months, but we both remain hopeful that we can start again together after some serious work on ourselves. What follows is what I wrote for myself today (edited for anonymity):

I surprisingly didn't lose my job today. I got all my new utilities sorted out. I helped M finish up what he needed and move his things into storage. And then he... Just left. We cried, it was hard. Then I just wanted to drink, I was frantic, anxious and terrified, lonely, unsure, horribly sad. I cleaned, I texted some people including my sponsor, I listened to some quit lit, I tried to scroll reddit but couldn't, I tried all the little lessons I've picked up (HALT, just for today, play the tape forward, remember my past misery, learn from the lessons of others, facts about the poison that it is, etc etc). I managed to make it until almost 10 pm and then I left to get food because I knew hunger wasn't helping. I got tacos, and then it was after 10. I only had an hour left so I drove to the bottle shop. I did everything I could to talk myself out of it but I still went in, I still bought a bottle of vodka. I drove home, I pulled up Scrubs on my server. M texted me (Yay!) and I told him I didn't drink today and that was it. I decided I wasn't going to make telling him that a lie. Not this time. I ate my food, I watched four episodes of Scrubs while my cat took a nap on my lap, and right now I poured it all down the drain! I'm going to bed sober!! This feels like one of the hardest battles I've ever had to fight and I feel nothing but absolute relief and hope that I won tonight. And M in case I ever show this to you, I love you so so so much. It's time to be strong together, even if we have to be apart to do it. Goodnight my love, IDNDWYT and IWNDWYT!