I’m trying again after a very drunk Christmas. I had been taking a few breaks so didn’t have any withdraws, but still am exhausted. I can tell I still haven’t fully committed. I haven’t called my old sponsor and asked for help. I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t done anything. Except bitch in my head about how much it pisses me off that I have to not drink. It’s an endless cycle. I’ve already lost a lot of friends over the last few years for somewhat unrelated reasons. The rest of my friends are big drinkers. I feel super lonely. I’m distant from my husband. I’m stressed at all times. And clearly there is just a lot of self pity I need to get rid of. I’m still pretty young. I want this amazing life. I’ve been depressed for the last 3-4 years and just am over playing life on hard mode. People who get to the other sober side say that we are the lucky ones. And maybe when you’ve felt soo so bad and get though, you do appreciate happiness more. But right now it just sucks that for whatever reason, (genetics, environment, own dumb ass decisions), just existing is difficult. Idk who to talk to about all this. My husband has no idea what to say. He says I’ve already tried to stop drinking and it didn’t work. I logically know that a few 30 days of sober time isn’t enough. I know I need to surround myself with actual sober people. I know all the things logically I need to do. But my brain is just angry. I haven’t posted in forever so thought I would vent with you lovely internet strangers.

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far of my complaining. IWNDWYT