I just realized this. I keep convincing myself to drink .... but I don’t want it. Last time I started drinking, before I went to the store, on repeat in my head I was repeating “please keep me sober please keep me sober” and on the outside I was telling my husband I wanted wine. Last night I embarrassed myself for the last time. I’m tired. I need to tell my husband I’m not different than the other alcoholics in my family. Maybe it presents differently in me. Maybe it’s not as bad. But I know what it is. And I know what I have to do. And I need to suck it up. I should be over a year sober. If I don’t want to do something and yet keep doing it, that obviously means I’m not in control. Maybe this is the part where I “surrender” that everyone talks about lol man this sucks. Thanks for reading.

IWNDWYT