Posted earlier. Was feeling so great. I talked about how I never get cravings at work, or during the day in general. Well that went out the window about 30 minutes ago. At first I thought it was the nicotine cravings (my other vice), but no, I had a Nicorette lozenge in my mouth. Then it hit... my body wants a drink. A shot, a cold beer. It's my lunch time right now. Luckily I only have twenty minutes until I leave for a work lunch with several others, but god damn, really? I was worried about "after work" and here I am fighting off the same craving I was feeling yesterday around 5:30pm. All I want to do is run up to my local watering hold and chug down 3 racer 5's to take the edge off. I won't... but god damn I want to. Writing about my feelings instead. This is definitely a first for me though, compared to other times I've gone stretches without drinking. Honestly I can't recall the last time I went 3 days, which, technically I'm only at 2 1/2.

The idea of moderation is a challenge for me, because i used to be able to, or so I tell myself. I loved drinking, but I had no issues going long stretches without it. The idea of buying booze during the week, while not foreign to me, was more of a "you're not that guy" sort of concept. But it's always been there I suppose. It creeps up on you over time. It starts small and slowly snowballs, lying to yourself the entire time that you "have it under control". Not much different from nicotine I suppose - although I contend that nicotine fights a lot more unfairly, but I digress.

6-7 years ago I was able to do it, I thought. I was running and exercising regularly, counting every single calorie. Allowing myself a bud light or three every so often if my calorie count allowed it. On the weekends or holidays, or other excuse driven events I'd drink more- but I'd also justify it by forcing myself to run at least 5 miles the following day. Erasing the calories, ridding myself of the hangover, and effectively hitting the reset button in my mind. But it's always been there. This time around I've just been too lazy or too old to keep up with that kind of routine.

But I had excuses! So I told myself. Crappy unhappy marriage - no need to go home from work yet, let's hang at the bar for a bit first to pass some time. Ultimately divorce, didn't need Nostradamus for that one. Ex is taking me to court with all kinds of nonsense - gotta drink to take the stress away! I've earned it! Divorce done, mom is dying from cancer - let me drown my sorrows in booze, I've earned it! New boss, job sucks- earned a drink their too! Found out new girlfriend has cancer - ooh I know how to deal with that!!

When do I reach the point of realization that the excuses will always be there? Maybe I am, which is why I'm putting this to paper right now. Cravings still here. 6 minutes to lunch with coworkers. Maybe if I can just get through lunch...