Are hard. I posted the other day that I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. We’ve decided to stay together for now and work on us and what lead to this point. What can change going forward. Not super looking for advice on that front because I know most would say to leave. But back to sobriety lol

I have poured liquor down the drain twice this week. Been so close to saying fuck it… if he can drink and fuck around, why do I have to try so hard? Why do I have to have all this pain? Why why why…..

Well there is going to be pain whether I stay or leave, drink or stay sober. But I know that if I drink, the pain will last longer and I will not process it correctly. Our relationship in part has been a mess because of shit I didn’t deal with while drinking (not an excuse to him but part of a bigger explanation). I owe it to myself to fully process everything no matter the outcome. Idk if I’ll stay sober. Right now I don’t want to. But last night when I was a second away from drinking I chose to pour it out because logically I knew it wouldn’t stop the pain. It would just kick me harder this morning. And if I decide to drink one day, it can’t be because I’m in pain. Anyways I’m going to keep trying to stack the minutes right now. Scary or not. I feel a bit idiotic writing all of this out which might mean I’m not making perfect choices. But I do know I’ll get to the best place by not getting blackout drunk right now. After my divorce a few years ago, I drank for 4 months before getting some sober time. And it made the pain from that carry on longer than it should. And the relapses I’ve had since then just brought up unresolved problems on my end. I want to process my shit.

If you’ve read this, I’m sorry for the rambling mess. I won’t drink with you.