hey all. I’m almost 8 months into stopping drinking. It was completely self motivated. I had tried before but relapsed but I found this time with the inclusion of AA and having a sponsor it’s been easier to avoid relapse. But guys, I can’t handle how awful I feel all. the. fucking. time. I get it, I now am suddenly having to deal with all the things I was avoiding while drinking and that’s gonna feel bad. But holy shit I just really thought maybe by now stuff would start to get easier and I honestly feel like it’s getting harder every day. I don’t really wanna die persay but I feel like I’m reaching my emotional limit and i’m so scared something drastic is gonna happen because i have a tendency to spiral. I feel like any day now iM either gonna make a scene at work and lose my job or relapse and i’m terrified. I feel like i have no close friends to talk to either. my best friend (and kind of leader of our friend group) told me in November that because she was going through a really rough break up she wasn’t able to be there for me anymore as a friend and since then pretty much all the other people in that group stopped texting me too. I’m so desperate for connection but when i come home from work i’m so emotionally drained and exhausted i just wanna be left alone. my life feels like an endless amount of contradictions and i can’t remember the last time feeling happy lasted more than an hour. I worked so hard to try and create an alcohol free life for myself and I want to enjoy living it but to be honest i’m just as (if not more) miserable than ever. i’m starting to think maybe I wasn’t meant to be here, alive i mean. I’m in pain when i’m in active addiction and i’m in pain when i’m not, i’m starting to lose hope that I even have a purpose in the planet. Ultimately, I guess more than advice i just wanna know that maybe someone else feels this way. I am in therapy but my therapist has been out for a month on some kind of random medical leave and idk if she’s coming back which feels like just another giant hurdle. I’m so tired of hearing about pink clouds and these moments of peace people are finding in early recovery i’m happy for them but I am feeling the exact opposite. Don’t worry though, I still won’t drink with you all today.