I am so tired y’all. I posted here earlier this week and I don’t usually do that. But I feel like I’m just in a deep depressing place right now with my sobriety. I feel like I’m doing this for everyone around me and feel resentments growing. I know I need a community but where I live has meetings I don’t like. There is an online one I found that’s great but I missed it tonight and I’m just all out of spoons here lol

This is such a pity party but I feel like I have to try so fucking hard just to exist. I know once you get to the other side it’s worth it. I know sober people are so kind and wonderful and all that stuff. I know the good stuff. I just can’t reach it! I do all the healthy things. I’m in shape and eat well and can pay my bills. I sit outside. Sure I could do more I could always do more. But why is it so hard for me to just fucking exist?!?

This all sounds so stupid. I read y’all’s stories and I know so many of you have stories of hardships that you’ve overcome that I can’t imagine. I’ve also been through way worse. I’ve been through a divorce and a suicidal parent and death and all the things. From the outside looking in my life is fine though right now. And I want to just drive away from it all. So why at 3 months sober am white knuckling everything?

Anyways thanks for reading. Just needed to write for a second.