I did well for a while.. in November I didn't think I'd ever make it past two weeks - I made it 40 days first try.. then went to a holiday party and wanted to 'loosen up.' I'm socially awkward, but when drinking I at least ~feel~ like people like me better.

Made it another two weeks, then there was another company party..

Then another two weeks.. I was doing it just because I felt like it again. Every time I would feel like garbage the next day, and I would say to myself 'it's okay, you had your fun. Now really stop.'

But then I kept letting myself do it.

I was pretending I had it under control, but I was just starting to slip back into the hole. The cycles were getting shorter.

Something happened at work that broke my heart a bit. I went to a meeting on a Monday after criticizing my successors work on their third day. We had what I truly feel was a minor disagreement.

I went in the next day, and was fully ready to apologize.. he left after 5 minutes and didn't say a word to me, I didn't even try to apologize for fear of making it worse.

I didn't think much of it, other than it seemed like somewhat of a punk move to not hash it out.

I know I can be an asshole - he wasn't wrong to be offended to a degree - but I'm a contractor.. someone's always salty about something on the jobsite or in the shop. Most people are alcoholics and that's just how it is in the trades.. it's sad..

I've had public arguments with the old owner of our company, and he has had arguments with everyone else.. many of our key people left because he's quit a lot to deal with. I can take it, he's a good man and I have to tell myself that every time.he tears me or someone else down. Frankly, his attitude made me a much nicer person because I saw myself in the way he treated me and it didn't feel great.

To me, being nice isn't how we kept the shop alive so he could sell the company, which got us all better positions. Old owner even smiles sometimes now... I gave my life to the job for this opportunity, and it was absolutely worth it.. but I'm tired, this successor was supposed to be my escape from breaking my body to run the shop while managing multiple projects, and doing the drafting and design work. I had 3 roles before he started to take on one of my roles.

I drank all weekend over it.. I felt trapped. I hadn't drank multiple days, or at home at all since November. Went through well over a case of 8% whiteclaws in two days.

On Monday I felt like shit and told myself I really needed to stop.

When I went to work, I was essentially thrown under the bus. The new guy said he was afraid I would hurt him. I'm not nice, but I was not overly aggressive about my comments, and did not personally insult the man.. Our old owner was WAY meaner.. rarely said anything nice, made everyone feel like they were bad at their jobs pretty much every second of the day.. but he knows his stuff, and strives for perfection. His comments aren't meant to be hurtful, nor are mine.. those around us just kind of accept that we are the way we are sometimes because they know it's about the work, not their character.

I feel I was made a martyr as an example to the people I've worked with for years, by new much more corporate ownership.

The old way is gone, everyone gets a pat on the back and a participation trophy.. I got two forced days off to 'think about what I'd done' and write a report on it.. literally gave me emotional homework.

I left the meeting politely, and got smashed for the two days. Didn't even try to keep my promise, I literally just wanted to black it all out.

I went into work after my leave, and submitted to not being allowed at the shop I built so this new guy could even have a job.. there was no hand off, he is failing miserably without me. I don't think he knew what he was getting into.. I can't believe they hired someone who's never managed anyone to manage the animals I call friends and coworkers.

I have to meet the new guy remotely, in the presence of others.. it's so insane to me. I'm obviously still quite upset about it - but ultimately it got me the office job I wanted.. tho I didn't want to get it this way.

As I came down, and made amends with the new guy to a certain extent, I realized I had drank every day for weeks.. just like before. Drinking didn't make anything better, who'd have thought?

It's day one again, and I'm sick of writing stories like this for myself to read through and meditate on so I can force myself to stop.. I need to come here every day again. If it doesn't stick I'm going to AA.

I love this community, don't even really care if anyone reads these posts.. I just know I'm safe here.

I've already made it through the day. The shakes aren't as bad this time but I'm prepared to not sleep for a few days. I know it gets better, eyes on the prize.

Edit for grammar