I've backslid 3 times in the months since deciding to actually address alcoholism / stop drinking.

In November, I was drinking to black ~almost~ every night, shaking every morning, and genuinely unhappy in almost every way despite my life circumstances being the best they'd ever been.

I gave it up for a full month and a half - at first, it was awful.. I didn't sleep for three whole days. As the days went on, it started to feel great..

45 days in with a whose-counting mentality, I was certain I was good - let's try moderation? I drank to black, as per usual.. waking up hungover to uneaten taco bell was my punishment.

Fuck, I had it! Reset badge.

Easily went a week.. then decided the company party was an acceptable occasion. Drank to black, second week in a row. I was so afraid I'd done something wrong all week long.. luckily I was apparently normal - big problem there.. I can be smashed and the people closest to me can't tell either way. I used to love that ability - now it's just scary. I can't remember a night and I did everything like I normally would.. it isn't always that way.

Whatever it's just a mistake.. Reset badge

Go a week again. Friday comes, everyone's going out, so fuck it - failed two weeks in a row why not have some 'fun?'

Apparently we were talking about a coworker who - when all totally smashed - seems to always be in their own way, and ours.
I'm pretty sassy without alcohol.. several doubles in I sent the co-worker a rude text.

'Grow up kid. See you Monday ♥️'

I don't find that stuff funny sober - this is not the type of person with a sense of humor that allows them to take any form of criticism.. they get real mad - but more importantly they're only mad because their feelings are hurt.. I hurt my friends feelings over coworker stuff I would never mention sober...

I felt so bad in the morning, through the weekend, and apologized very first thing Monday a.m... he's still mad but wants to act like it's cool. We had an okay week together, it's not the same though.

Reset badge..

It's been another week now.. admittedly I did have some fun for the little while I remember on those nights I went out since deciding to stop drinking every day... I felt very jovial, it was easy to talk to people.. Alcohol makes it possible to laugh at things that annoyed me all day long..

But at what cost? Feeling like shit all weekend, justifying it by saying at least it's not all week.. being rude, not remembering. Not eating, oversleeping. Eating too much - absolutely drowning in nicotine.

This week I think I deserve a little better relaxation than disappearing for a night and spending the whole weekend paying for it.

I feel bad I keep blatantly resetting my badge.. it's gotten to easy, I came here to be accountable and take it seriously... The guilt and shame in this instance are probably a very good thing. I hope I'm back for a while? Those cravings are so funny.. the justification.. anyways, thanks for checking out another stream of consciousness on my process - appreciate y'all

IWNDWYT