Hi, I’m 24 (AFAB non-binary and bisexual) and I’ve had a really fraught relationship with birth control ever since I first started. So far, I’ve apparently been in the <1% of people who experience drastic side-effects of, now, more than 6 types of birth control. I’ve been through pills (nausea, diarrhea, & migraines), injections (extreme nausea,hormonal imbalance, mental health issues), the burns of spermicide (allergic), having an implant (bled for 12 months straight until I got it out), and also an IUD (caused me to go to the ER for unexplained and traumatic levels of abdominal pain, then fell out after 8 months).

I’m over it. I don’t want to ever be pregnant and I’ve known that for a long while. The idea of it is honestly brings up gender dysphoria and also triggers memories of being in an abusive relationship when I was a teen. I know I’m a high-risk for having post-partum depression. Also, I feel so drawn to wanting to adopt or foster. I can’t envision myself ever being in a relationship with someone who would pressure me to get pregnant, and truly, I would love to be with a woman someday and if she’d like to give birth or adopt, that’d be such a dream. If I end up with a man, I’d love to adopt or even get a surrogate if he’d really like.

It’s just not worth it to me. Ever since I started birth control it’s been nothing but painful, uncomfortable, stressful, and expensive. Now that (what I thought was) my last-ditch effort has failed, I feel so depressed and stuck and I’m not even sure if it’s because of what I feel or because of whatever hormones are lacking now.

I went in to my OBGYN yesterday, who just assumed I’d want to get the same IUD put in again and had that ready for me to go. She was surprised when I said no, that I’d rather discuss other options, especially sterilization. Her reaction was exactly what you’d expect, though possibly not from an OBGYN?, of shock and confusion — “you’re way too young” and “w-why would you want to do that??” She was also super confused when I told her I’m non-binary and that the idea of pregnancy is dysphoric for me (“I don’t know all the words like that” - ???) She pretty much ignored what I was saying and prescribed me an experimental pill that I have to go to a 3rd party pharmacy for and pay out-of-pocket. I honestly don’t want to try it, given everything else I’ve been through.

Today I talked to my therapist about it all and she was also shocked and confused. She told me a story about her friend who’s a butch lesbian that never wanted to be pregnant but ended up doing it anyway because her wife couldn’t get pregnant. Cool.

I don’t know what I need right now but I wish that I wasn’t so willfully misunderstood by everyone I’ve talked to about it so far. I feel so sad and I just want to be alone and cry for a while. I guess this is just a rant but it feels good to write it out, at least, and hope someone can understand.