Where to start unpacking this? Sorry it's a lot...

My husband has 2 boys from his previous marriage 13 and 19. They live full-time with their mom. About 4 hours away. Because of this visits tend to be less frequent but longer. Their home life is VERY different from ours. Their mother is on top of I'm sure many other things an alcoholic. They live in utter disorganized dirty chaos.

I won't delve into my problems with her as there are many. But I will say we are doing what we can from where we are to ensure the 13 yr old has at the minimum a safe home environment. But the legal system is slow.

I have ADHD(inattentive) and which leads to a lot of feelings of anxiety. This is the first time in my life I have been able to put words to the things I am feeling.

It is very difficult for me to have people in my space. In the past, I had whole relationships without bringing that person to my home. It's my safe place, my sanctuary. Where I can take off the mask and be me.

I have been with my husband for 3 yrs and married for 1. In the grand scheme of things, his children are still strangers to me.

That hasn't stopped me from pushing beyond my comfort zone to try and make them feel welcome in our home.

I bought new bedding for them so they weren't using the pink unicorn stuff we have for my daughter (she is 6) I go out of my way to ensure the areas that will be theirs for the visit are made comfortable and clean.

I have made space for them to store some bigger items that they would like to have while they are here so they don't have to take them back and forth. I bought a bike for the younger one.

It seems though for everything that I do for them there is something to complain about.

The bike he didn't like the way it looked.

The new bedding... had careless holes cut in the middle of the quilt.

The food I cook.. oh you can't use that pan it's Teflon, and it will be absorbed into the meat. Or make a fun interactive dinner that they can make for themselves. They won't eat it.

I stock the house with food and snacks.. the 13 yr old didn't eat or drink for a whole day because no one brought it to him on the couch. so he fainted.

They change the settings on the TV every time they are here because they think it's better. They hook up and blast the soundbar. Which we don't use 90% of the time due to the air bnb in our basement suite.

He wants me to be part of the conversation with them so I try to partake. But the second I start talking they stop.

But if I don't then I'm being cold and mean

Even this time it's so little but it's just one more thing.

They disconnected our switch controllers to connect their own. Now one of ours won't reconnect.

Removed downloaded games on our switch so that they could connect their own.

THEY ARE HERE FOR 3 DAYS!

Apparently I was "snappy" with them. Yesterday and they cornered my husband about how I clearly don't like them. Which he then cornered me about. How I need to make a better effort to make them feel welcome. How my annoyance is palpable. I'm like yes it is because you want me to treat them like family the same way I would treat my daughter but when I do I'm being mean or expecting too much of them. So then you want me to treat them like guests but not so much that they feel like they are guests. And when they come to you about what they don't like about me or our home you side with them. Instead of asking them to respect our home.

The 13 yr olds personality, really rubs me the wrong way. He has a lot of ticks and quirks that are like glaring fog horns to me with the way my brain works. My husband finds them mildly obnoxious but enduring. And feels I should just feel the same.

He pulled me aside last night and was like what is your problem you have upset both of them they cornered me downstairs about how mean you are being to them. And I agreed with them because I felt it too. Cuz you jumped all over the 13yr old, and it was totally uncalled for.

I said I spoke to him the same way I speak to our daughter, you have never felt it was to harsh for her, and she's 6.

For context hubby and older SS were playing a video game. DD younger SS came into the room both talking excitedly about how they wanted to play hubby and older SS both answered: "yea yea when we're done." But the asking (from both the youngers) didn't stop there they both talked over hubby and older SS and whatnot. So I turned to both of them "yep guys your turns up next as soon as they are done so cool yer tits." Which apparently was uncalled for.

I just don't know what to do, anymore. I needed to get this off my chest in hopes that someone else might understand.