Now let me be clear: my SO (33) is a great, good man. His heart is full and warm and he takes our relationship very seriously. He recently lost his job and that's been really hard—especially when dealing with HCBM as they discuss child support/custody for their son (almost 3). HCBM has no money, is barely holding down her job, and is in school. She recently threatened to commit suicide and SO called the cops to check on her, which now she is VERY pissed about and thinks he is trying to sabotage her right to her son. Custody is currently 50/50, but my SO watches their son while she is in school. He wants as much time as possible so he can have a better shot at custody… right now they are in beginning a battle, seeing as it was de facto 50/50 before. SO wants primary, or custodial, and HCBM wants 50/50. I think SO would be okay with 50/50 if HCBM gets her s*** together.

We've been dating a little over a year and a half. We do not live together, but I spend about 4-5 nights a week at my boyfriend's. His son now sees me as a regular person in his life—I cook for him, play with him, wake him up from naps. I'm definitely not there 24/7, but enough so that we three have a relationship.

When SO and I first got together, I thought about what it meant to be a stepmom—I was nervous, but thought that was normal, as I was also moving across the coast to be with him. I pursued the relationship out of deep infatuation and curiosity. It eventually turned to love and my partner and I had a great honeymoon period of utter bliss.

Around October, things started to go south. I decided against moving in with him (which we had discussed) and we started fighting over dumb things. There were moments of pure love, but I found myself analyzing all of SO’s behavior, like I was trying to figure out what our life together would like like. Like it started to bother me that he would sleep in late, that he would start projects and not finish them. I would get frustrated at parties and vacations with his son because my SO would be too tired/distracted to talk with friends and family. And that’s nothing he can change, so that frustration quickly turned to guilt. His son is amazing but very wild. I started longing for a "normal" boyfriend and my mind wandered and thought about my ex crushes. Then I would feel guilty, meditate on how much I loved my partner, and focus on the love and connection hat drew us to one another. We would take trips and travel us just two and "rekindled the flame." Things got better. I really, really love him and all that he is—sometimes I stare at him and think that I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Recently, though, I've started feeling resentful again. Because I've always thought about marriage with my SO (we talk about it too), I nitpick his bad habits and wonder if we are actually compatible. He drinks too much beer, he doesn't work out, he teases me too much, he doesn't clean as much as I do. Small things that feel big. I feel so guilty for looking into these things but I can't help it…. Don’t get me wrong: there are SO MANY positive things. But I’m wondering if I’m focusing on the bad because I’m nervous of tying myself to HCBM and ultimately, stepmomming.

The other day I imagined myself in the future, with SO and BM causing trouble and all I could feel was fear. Fear that SO's son won't like me, will be rude to me. Fear that SO and I will no longer be nice to one another, fear that BM will cause drama in our lives. I am so afraid and I don't know if it's worthy of attention or not. I’ve talked to SO about this—and he says it’s a pessimistic way of looking at the relationship. But I’m trying to be realistic. I love SO and in many ways think we could have an awesome life together. Our sex life is amazing, we are both great communicators, we both want the same things out of a partner, we support one another’s creative pursuits, etc. It's the reason I haven't left yet: He objectively is awesome and I am hoping my fears are quelled and things get better.

But I’m swamped with indecision (to the point that is leading to random stupid crushes on imaginary people!) and it’s not fair to him or his son. I am so afraid of throwing away something good but I can’t help but wonder if I would be happier without this relationship. Maybe they would ultimately be too.

Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you make a decision or change your perspective?