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I have raised my stepdaughter since she was three. I have been there for every major event, achievement, award, and accomplishment. I have been a guiding figure and a shoulder to cry on. But I’m not Dad.
The very last daddy daughter dance is coming up. I have never gotten to attend because her real dad always butts in. We kept it hidden this year. He could honestly give a shit about time with her. So my wife asked if it’s okay for me to go this last time. But he’s not my dad.
She has gone to therapy for PTSD from his abuse and manipulation. When he gets his visits, she’s left at a babysitter or with relatives while he scams people. He did two years and we had to pick her up at the police station when he was arrested. He’s a con man. He’s convinced her that I can never be dad.
So when she was told about the dance she raced to the phone and called him, because I’m not dad. My wife asked her why she would do this after talking to her about how much I want to take her. Because he’s not my dad.
He’s fucking groomed her to think that way. She tried to say there would be other dances and I looked at her and said no there won’t. I explained that I was hurt and while I’m here to support this family. I’m not her dad.
Edit: For clarification, she refers to me as her dad most of the time. If someone asks her who I am, I’m her dad.
For those that don’t like groomed being used. Substitute conned, trained, or brainwashed. She hates her visits with him. She knows he’s full of disappointment. She understands that he is why she goes to therapy. She has admitted that he has told her that she can’t say she loves me because it makes him physically hurt.
We have friends that attend this dance and hate that he’s there. Last year she was pushed off with friends while he chased a waitress around. He’s married.
She’s not new to understanding he’s a bad person. Last night was different. There was no empathy in her eyes. She didn’t care.
I should just step back. The problem is she’s my shadow. She’s always running around with me. I know I will never be dad. She treats me that way and calls me dad occasionally.
This one hurts because of how it was said. It was just so cold and matter of fact. It was also frustrating because my wife had pretty much locked down that I would get to go. So her disappointment added to my frustration.
I also understand kids will be kids and follow their heart. I just know that like every single year, it will get broken and I will be left to pick up the pieces.
I tried that last year after the dance, mostly because of her being let down and heartbroken from what happened. Let her pick something that she likes and doesn’t get to do often. I thought it was a good bonding experience. After her next visit with her dad she came home with an attitude. She told me that I didn’t need to try to buy her off and that what the day was all about.
His manipulation of her, leads to me second guessing myself.
I appreciate it. I know I could have done a better job handling things. I’m taking time to process things. I agree the system is a joke and unfortunately guys like him know how to play it in their favor.
Trying to make a point. I was also really upset when I wrote this.
That’s rough but thanks for the membership.
I appreciate the support. She does have an older sister that I have just always been dad to. She accepted me before I even thought about marrying their mom. I asked her permission when I was ready to propose and her only stipulation was that she got to help and see the ring.
I think that is another reason why I struggle. Things are so easy with her and we have a good relationship. She doesn’t see their dad by choice or at most rides to a custody exchange but doesn’t leave the car.
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Preteen. She will be too old to go after this year. I won’t get overly detailed but I was the victim of child abuse from my father. My mother was an enabler and lied for him. I have a good understanding of abuse. I never forgave anyone and I knew it was wrong because we moved a lot. Same pattern he follows.
I am protective by nature and know that this is going to cause more hurt for her. I’ll be there for the tears. For once I wished he would just let her be and let her do something without it being about having that control.