So to pre phase all this, I love my wife and my two SDs (21, 16). Wife and I met in 2014, her kids were 14 and 9. They have always been well behaved kids, pretty spoiled but still well behaved and for the most part kind and polite.

When my wife and I first started dating she made it clear to me that her kids will always be first. At the time I completely agreed because it made sense. Of course her kids would always come first. They were there before me and they were her children. I was (seemingly) fine with that.

Lately though I can’t help but think about how I will never be someone’s #1. I grew up in a household with many children and even though we all say parents don’t pick favorites, we know they do, and I was definitely not the favorite haha. So I missed my shot to be someone’s #1 there. Then I meet this amazing woman who I love to death and will always put her first no matter what, only to now start to realize I will never be her #1. She’s my #1, I’ll always be at most #3.

It just.. hurts ya know? I’d like to be that important to someone, but I just keep being reminded I’m not.

An example recently is our daughters wedding. We have been helping our daughter out with her wedding expenses which is fine and expected. She wants a little fancier of a wedding than I’d like to pay for but if it makes her happy that’s all that matters.
The wife and I have been getting into small arguments because of money though. I am the bread winner by a lot. It’s like a 80/20 split in incomes. We are supplying a lot for this wedding and I haven’t so much as heard a thank you from our daughter, and now we are being told we have to buy a specific brides maid dress for our other daughter. This dress is over $100 and will never be worn again. I got heated about it asking why we can’t find a cheaper one time use dress and everyone including my wife jumped down my throat about me being mean and not supportive.

You know what my wedding was? A drive through wedding that cost $50 total. Not because that’s what I necessarily wanted but the wife wanted to spend the money on a family vacation rather than a wedding. I was fine with it, but now it’s all I can think about. How I feel like I’m just an after thought and never the priority.

I just don’t know how to cope with this intrusive thought anymore. I mentioned it to the wife and she was upset that apparently I didn’t think she loved me. I can’t bring it up to her because we both just get sad.

How do you guys cope with knowing you’re not the priority?

EDIT: You guys are all amazing and reading everyone’s insight into this has made me feel worlds better. It made me realize I’m not alone and I’m not being entirely selfish to expect for my wife to take my side over her kids for once.

There are a couple things I’d like to clear up just from reading a few of the responses though,

1) I am entirely and completely in love with my wife and divorce is not even remotely an option right now. She feels the same way about me. Despite how my original post sounds, she is a genuinely great and caring person. Many times she doesn’t realize she is constantly putting the kids first and it’s just because she wants to be a great mom and give them everything she never had. We both had pretty bad childhoods so I get it, I just wish she’d give me the same attention she gives them sometimes. Same for my SD, she isn’t some entitled brat demanding money. She has her wants, sure, but the issue is mostly the wife wanting to give her everything she wants. I guess my big issue is how do I politely say no without coming across as being selfish? Either way, I love them all dearly and leaving was never an option.

2) I am a woman, this is a wife and wife situation. I know it doesn’t make a huge difference but some of the replies were specifically talking about men’s roles and what not. I’m not saying the advice doesn’t apply, just wanting to clear that up in case it can help someone in a similar situation.

Again, reading these replies has really helped me so far. I was obviously distraught yesterday and the wife noticed. We had a long, emotional chat. I don’t think things are going to necessarily change, at least not right away, but the seeds have been planted. She assured me she loved me, apologized profusely, offered to go to counseling and then spent the rest of the day being overly loving haha. It felt nice, but I realize I shouldn’t have to break down to get that kind of attention.