#Just because I suffered emotionally from my father does not mean that I deserve that suffering to continue.#

My father is dead. Sensitivity, or trying to cry when the emotions surface, result in "hallucinations" of being slapped and beaten.

Even though I am not actually being physically assaulted, and was not physically assaulted by my father, I have become very prone to sound. The sounds occurring - and you can only take my word for this - happen in tandem with my thoughts.

It is not just sound. Around 7% of communication is verbal, 38% is in voice tone, pauses etc. And the remaining communication is in body movements, gestures, actions...

I once saw a Reddit post made by a guy who was visiting his girlfriend, and the father walked in on them kissing. The father then came into the room and began cleaning his gun on the table in front of him. This distressed the person enough to make a Reddit post about it, to which many responded that the man was right to feel threatened by this and should discuss it with his partner.

The manifestation I am experiencing is very much like this, except across the board. Some people have said "psychosis may just be a spiritual awakening gone wrong", while others have said "it's ridiculous how the spiritual community reinforces people's psychotic breaks".

Nevertheless, here is what is happening:

• 2019 I am told by someone my mum could still be alive.
• "Faith requires action", I was told. I did not act.
• Father subsequently suffers brain injury.
• Because I "did not act", I am led to believe that there are two of me: one of which is my authentic self, and the other of which is a "them", which could imply StS alien consciousness.
• It is then strongly implied by said person that I would sexually assault my father while he was having a seizure, if I did not end his life.
• I ran away, guilt ridden, and under the impression that I had "failed", and the best thing I could do was keep my distance from him.
• My father died in February last year. I don't know if he was alone, if he was in pain. All I have is an A4 diary with jumbled and deteriorated notes.
• I now know that I would NEVER have hurt my father.
• Friends dad comes to visit and dies in my father's bed due to unknown circumstances.
• Friend completely changes almost immediately into a different person and the manifestation begins.

Manifestation begins:

• Hallucinations which cross over to human interaction constantly. i.e. Three taps on a wall, put on headphones, three taps on the headphones. Go outside, someone walking past knocks on the gate three times. All in succession of each other.

• We are co-creators. Sometimes the best thing for someone is to deny what they claim to experience, and healing can occur through medication and therapy which causes the manifestation to cease.

• Friends, family and strangers reinforcing the negative belief through aforementioned gestures, words, or even as subtle as mispronouncing a word as a word that has specific meaning to me.

All of these things are happening all the time. Many of you do not seem to exhibit this however, which is why I'm writing.

It's important to note that what is manifesting for me is not "The Universe/Love" (although there are elements of this within it). For example, someone may validate and empathise with me, providing what seems like clarity and kindness.

Others will purposefully invoke feelings of dread by performing specific actions that I have given meaning to, seeming to be in tandem with the "hallucination".

To describe this imaginatively: It is like there is an invisible man who has no location, who can make a loud noise in multiple locations at once. This invisible man can also be a person, any person.

It seems very powerful in that regard, but it seems to play the role of the accuser. The Old Testament (Book of Job for example) describes the devil as a servant of God, whose function is to prosecute the guilty of their sin.

I'm not saying that this "entity" that is being reflected back to me is the devil, or of purely negative nature, but it is like a very strict, stern, emotionless 1930's school teacher, ready to slam the ruler down on the table at the mere thought of engaging in an activity I enjoy.

It is also passionately against any form of emotion, such as guilt or tears to try and release the trauma, and will go as far as smashing things if I do not stop.

Someone here encouraged me to "talk to my dad", where I apologised for not being there for him, and that I would do anything for him to be okay. I was in tears.

This resulted in the manifestation smashing on the front door for about 20 minutes straight.

Now this all leads back to 2019. I allowed another person's influence to lead me to believe that I would assault my father. This stemmed from the created belief that there is "me" and there is "the parasite".

To make sense of the communication, it seems to be containing that running narrative. I listened to it the first time, and was not there for my father. Now it as if I am being held hostage in my own home by an "entity" which expresses itself through a seamless blend of hallucination, nature and human interaction.

That is, "there are two of me, he that endureth to the end shall be saved", and "parasitic consciousness claiming ownership of a body that is not theirs, to use for horrible acts."

Even now, as I write, I am being barraged by notions of a snake, as if I am being tricked by following my desire to be alone and heal over time, and in my own time.

It has gone as far as to "warn me" that if I leave my home, it will follow me, and manifest in the form of either being framed for a crime, or abducted and murdered. The feelings that accompany cause me to take it seriously, even though the lesson I have learned is to not allow external forces to guide me, but to trust myself.

It's a trivial detail, but I'm living with someone who spends 24/7 of their day going out of their way to reinforce it.

What comes to my mind is the picture of the iceberg depicting consciousness. What I am describing here is just a small fraction of the underlying mechanics which lay beneath the surface.

I am impartial to whether you take a stance that validates the narrative, choose to/genuinely believe the constant painful synchronicities are a product of psychosis, or offer to intervene so that I may live my life without this connection of pain and mental assault while I heal.

On my own, I feel powerless against it. Challenging it wears me back down into a corner where I take the beating. So to reiterate the first statement, I do not deserve this.

I also do not believe the All-Loving Creator would force me down a path of pain under duress. I do not believe this is Light.