I’ve been on a spiritual path for almost two years now, and it started by confronting a lot of trauma and shame from childhood. A big part of the process has been realizing that the things I used to hate about myself—like my sensitivity—are actually gifts. But this path has also gotten harder, and I feel like I’ve hit a point where I need some outside perspective.

A lot of my work so far has been about allowing difficult thoughts and feelings to rise from the subconscious—through mindfulness, meditation, and a few intentional medicine journeys. But now it feels like I’ve reached a deeper layer: beneath all the feelings, behaviors, and patterns seems to be this profound sense of disconnection—from the world, from other people, and from myself. There’s this endless drive to fill the void or escape it, whether through sex, substances, ambition, or even spiritual practices.

I’m starting to wonder if the sense of wholeness or transcendence I’ve been seeking is even real. Maybe there’s no way to “achieve” it, and I’ll never get out of this cage. I’m questioning if I’ve ever experienced true joy or authentic connection, or if I’ve just been performing what I thought those things should feel like. On one hand, I identify as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or empath. But at the same time, I often feel emotionally numb. My mind constantly narrates and judges everything I do, and I’m starting to think there’s no way to shake that. The distractions that once helped—like ADHD-fueled projects or impulsive experiences—no longer seem to work. What’s left now feels like… nothing.

Lately, I’ve been allowing myself to acknowledge the depth of my hopelessness—this intense, catastrophic despair that I’ve avoided facing head-on until now. I’ve been trying to stay curious about it, observing it like I’ve done with other feelings, even attempting to befriend it. I’ve also been exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS), but it’s hard to connect with my parts outside of medicine work, and the messages feel distant or unclear.

I guess I’m looking for perspective from anyone who’s been through something similar. How do you work with this kind of emptiness or disconnection? Is transcendence or wholeness ever really attainable, or do we just learn how to sit with the void?

Thanks for reading.