So to give some context, I was raised in an environment that were wolves in sheep's clothing.... literally. Everyone around me whether family, neighbour or even school was extremely unhealthy, toxic, unbalanced, degrading, mean and plain out projecting wounds constantly. Not sure how many people have experiences and trauma like mine that have truly say they have overcome and become unaffected by the hideous pain of this collective energy and moved away from it completely. Eckhart tolle is one of the people I look up to. But even he has mentioned that if we were stay longer than 2 weeks with his own family/mum - he would need to leave too. And it makes sense. Our pain and trauma arose from our childhood environment. If we don't move away from it, in some way it constantly has a hold on us from moving forward into something and someone more that we have the potential to become.

I've heard of stories like Oprah, eckhart, Lisa Nichols.... and I truly wonder how its possible to truly step away from the reins of the past and step up into a new state of being - in a way that is financially, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually free. For the longest time I believed if i could achieve inner peace in this toxic environment and that would mean I'd be ready to "teach" or embody a sense of enlightenedness to others.... now it feels like this goal is getting further and further away with each passing year. I don't feel like what I need is "healing" anymore I don't feel like I need any sort of philosophy either.

I've been on the journey a long while and I've already gained so called enlightenment.... countless countless times. The only difference is that I'm still shackled to my environment and the exact same people who gave me trauma and pain and insanity from the very beginning of my life. I've gone deep into my ancestral DNA and roots. Know what I saw as I was hyperventilating ? I saw a lot of people dying. A lot of people suffering and tortured and dying. Why? For the fun of it. And the people instructing for this to happen was a family in power And that was my family. I don't know how many years ago that was but it seemed to be at least the 1800s or even older. And this form of vengeance, pain, resentment, anger and violence is still very prevalent in every family member - I see how sensitive they are like me but I see how they absolutely love and adore perpetuating and giving pain and suffering to one another.... more and more and more. How they love to degrade, curse, argue, hit, gaslight, lie, compare, embody cruelty in their body and lives. They cannot forgive, must always be right, must confuse, must do things their own way even if that means disrespecting others rights and sovereignty (like time and space and boundaries), the only difference is that they've yet to actually murder one another. To say this is prevalent in our culture is entirely effed up. Cause I've seen families where there's no such need or any nonsensical sense or right or being to even have to go to one inch of whatever shit this family embodies. I really do commend my own soul for the Bravery it took on to deal with such a shitty, intense and ending traumatic energy contract to help transmute this karma. Its too much. It really is. Though I don't have deaths in the family, am not so poor we have to sleep in the streets, and have not much health concerns. I swear, any further on I stay on.... I can only see death ahead for me. Because I cannot take it anymore. I really really can no longer be in this environment.

If you know Asians, you know that it's unfilial to leave the family , to cut them off, to never contact or every have anything to do with them ever again or even temporarily. It's like a huge sin to do so. And as the Eldest, it's always been embedded into me since young that I MUST take care of the family NO MATTER WHAT - that has truly led to me taking o the unconscious responsibility of constantly processing everyone's emotions since I was young! And as a HSP and empath it's literally my ROLE! cause no one else would do it! I'm sick of that shit. I'm sick of that very stupid belief.! I'm so sick of my culture, so sick of the family, so sick of this stupid damn country I was born in! Everyon looks down on America but the first time I ever went - I felt freerer than the birds in the sky! For the first time, a stranger talked to me in a supermarket! For the first time, tho everyone was afraid of drug addicts and people stealing their bags in the cars.... I felt effing safe!!! I felt so free!! I felt like I could breathe!!!

No one to judge me just for sitting next to rocks. No one to look at me or post me on the internet just because I am dancing I the wild or talking to myself. People smiling and being open to chat just cause I strike up a convo. And not people frowning at me, scorning at me and just being plain rude just cause they are stressed and sad and angry every single day of their lives! The ability just fucking chill and not take everything so seriously. And I mean this in a healthy way not in a sarcastic, be mean to others so u feel better about yourself way so you make jokes about how their parents suck shit. I literally cannot breathe I'm suffocating. I've done so much inner work that's even humanely possible for a single human to do. There is nothing much I haven't touched on. I've gone for retreats, I've had teachers and coaches. I cannot stay here. I can either die or move away. But I don't know how to start looking for work overseas! I don't even have the funds to provide for myself right now! I've gotten so effing stuck and sabotaged myself to the point where I can't even rid myself of my family even if I wanted to! My subconscious mind totally believes that I will not be able to handle life or the world without them around. I don't want this no more

TLDR; Has anyone ever experienced complex deeply ingrained trauma and be born a HSP who grew up in such a toxic environment there was no sense of structure, self or freedom available? And then healed themselves to the point of moving away from their country, their family and just found a life away from the old and be able to thrive and not just survive? In a financially, mentally, spiritually, psychologically and emotionally fulfilling way? Leaving behind all you've ever known? Your friends, family and background? To become someone else completely? To embrace your true self and be welcomed gradually by the real people who do belong in your life and who do provide you the support and love that you deserve and not the one you grew up with which is honestly all not real anyway?!

P. S PLS BE KIND. THIS WAS HARD AF FOR ME TO SHARE AND ONLY LOOKING FOR RESPONSES FROM PEOPLE ON SIMILAR PATH OR WHO'VE ALREADY TRANSCENDED BEYOND PLS. cause the old conditioning would defo be one of no hope, this is me praying for hope and more for myself.