Background: I am a 26 Y/O male, I have done over 100 substances (plus countless calculated combinations that I pour heavy research into) and I am a professional educator and research professionally (this will come up later in the text). Ever since I was 18 years old, drugs have been of immense fascination and eventually addiction. I have also survived 6 overdoses, I was VERY likely sexually assaulted, a murder attempt on my life (I am not a violent person btw, I have never even been in a fight and I generally keep to myself, I just happened to fall into drugs, but I have never stolen from others or anything. I only say this because I feel that some readers might have a presumption about all drug users, many of us are regular working people, good people, and often times, even very smart people, we just used/use drugs as a coping mechanism, whether we know it or not) Even without the addiction though, I essentially dove face first into the study of pharmacology and the effects of drugs on the mind, body, and also self-experimenting (and documenting notes) with psychedelics and spiritual practices being used in conjunction. My free time is usually spent doing research and/or reading books on things ranging from history (I actually studied history since I was 13, I am autistic and history became a major obsession's. I did not even go to college for history or teaching, yet I was so proficient at history that I passed the social studies praxis exam, which is to get certified to teach, IN TWENTY FIVE MINUTES, with a near above average score, it had 120 questions....), philosophy, spirituality, I also do internal "research" via meditation and practicing a non-dual state of being, I also guinea pig myself (I DO THIS CONTROLLED, I AM NOT CONDING THE FOLLOWING DRUGS) with drugs like Amanita Pantherina, meditating on them, doing yoga, breathwork, etc...

My obsession with knowledge and self-knowledge were a catalyst of sorts for my drug use, eventually it did stop being about more knowledge or experiences from psychedelics and more so of an internal war to regain my seat back in the wheel, I have experimented with so many recovery models that I theorized myself and put to use on myself. My most successful one lasted me MONTHS, I started after I went cold turkey 12mg of suboxone, after that period was done, I performed a 3 day fast and began to meditate for 6-8 hours DAILY (I began waking up at 5am every morning full of energy FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and I eventually basically made the meditative state, my DEFAULT state, you know that intense feeling of lucidity on drugs? Like how everything feels like it became more real and your now strictly focused on what's happening around, almost like when you zone out and then snap back to reality? I discovered that the monks and sages were not wrong, no religion was wrong, everything we could even do to mentalize the irrevocable bliss is vain. Why is it vain? An eye cannot see itself, the mind cannot comprehend that which is not the mind, yet even more powerful and aware. I stayed sober for MONTHS, I lived in intense presence from the moment I woke up, until the moment I went to BED, I began experiencing things like vibrations in my body, I could shut my mind off at will, EVERY SINGLE PERSON I saw literally brought me to the point of such joy that I could just hug them, I projected such love towards others with my eyes because all I saw in them, was GOD. One day, I was tested, I decided to walk home with a random coworker and he pulls out coke, I take some, and then I felt like shit, no surprise, but a few days later something weird happened. I was taking a piss one day and then suddenly my vision began to vibrate HEAVILY, I have never once fainted in MY WHOLE LIFE, yet faint I did and I fell straight back on my head. I woke up literally one second later, but all I could do was WEEEP, I knew it, I felt it, my connection, if not severed, was definitely not the same. I wept as if I lost EVERYTHING, I felt as though I lost a great love, joy, TRUE INNER SILENCE, INNER POWER, because believe me when I say that the Siddhis ("powers" in spiritual literature) ARE VERY REAL (THEY SHOULD NEVER BE SOUGHT AFTER AND ESPECIALLY NOT USED FOR WRONG, Intuition tells me that those who do such things will meet very horrifying fate, but no way to prove it) .

During this time, I also experienced PROFOUND physical changes, not necessarily due to me stopping drugs (these changes occurred to far into this recovery attempt for it to be drugs, plus I was also only using suboxone for a few months by this point and sleeping/eating/exercising, I was overweight though). Though I was only 20 at the time, I looked damn near 30 (and I am very good looking dude, at least that's what all my ex's tell me, hell, the former love of my life, who I literally was also crying about just a few hours prior to this, saw me yesterday AFTER 6 MONTHS and basically told me she met somebody else, but he wasn't tall or had curly hair like me... LMAOOOO, ok ok, I am done making bragging jokes, got to have some light hearted humor in these kind of discussions though haha), yet after my practice began, my skin began to not only clear up, but I literally began to start looking YEARS younger, I began to also lose weight for the first time since In YEARS (I also became vegetarian due to a spiritual experience on mushrooms I ate after fasting for 2 days or so, I literally lost all desire to eat meat, I can't even down a piece of steak or chicken or seafood without getting sick.....), people started saying that my voice/"vibe" had changed massively, like I radiated safety and peace.

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Listen guys, I am telling you this for bullshit karma or for any other reason than to share my experiences in my practice, in the hopes that it can motivate others to self-inquire in this age of instant external gratification, we have grown WEAK collectively, yet it can never change until we start within. Haven't we all had enough of the worlds foods and delicacies? There is other food to be found within, food that will be infinitely sustainable, food that you will never lack or worry about lacking, this is what has come to me in my meditations, if you wish to dismiss what I said than feel free too, if you do not? There is nothing left to offer, I began my practice with NO APPS, NO MANUAL, NO VIDEOS, NOTHING. Why did I emphasize that? Am I a self-righteous internet Asshole? No (well maybe a little... I joke lol), if one needs to rely on anything to aid them in meditation, read old scriptures, avoid too much reading if you can (the greatest sages all eventually reach the same conclusion, books are only useful until you know what you must do, once you set out, everything solves itself). The same way we do not shame kids for using training wheels, just remember that there is no "wrong" path to choose, I believe that fate is already set for us until we can transcend it, but until then, I believe its safe to assume (with this reasoning in mind) that every step forward is a step forward towards your ultimate destination, even a step "backwards" is actually a step forward, if you guys follow what I am saying..

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These are most definitely not all of my spiritual experiences and/or topics, but I truly cannot emphasize this enough before I end this, LOOK WITHIN AND JUST FUCKING LISTEN, no two feet are the same, find the size FOR YOU, not the size other people are wearing. Peace, I'll answer questions if anybody has any!