Hi, I am new here on Reddit! I am glad I found this group. A little bit of background, growing up, I was a very outgoing person until we moved to another state - that's when shit went downhill. I was 10 yrs old in a new state, growing up was very abusive. Both "parents" were equally and very emotionally abusive towards me (I am the youngest of 4 with siblings 14-20 something yrs older than me).

My skills went downhill, parents wouldn't allow me to hang out with friends or barely. It got to the point where I didn't speak, only spoke when spoken to and that was it. It caused massive trust issues with people, hated sitting by myself. Caused depression too, I am almost 34 yrs old. I hate the things I hear about myself from other people how i am so quiet and reserved, I don't like this person that I am. :( I had this ex married couple pointed out how I hung out with them and a friend I was just silent, basically bashing me.

Yes, I have seen a therapist - two to be exact. First one was a bitch and the 2nd one was amazing but only saw her for a short time, then she went to another clinic and didn't have the money to follow her. So yea, that left my therapy all stumped. Anyway, I still have issues conversing in social settings one minute I am talking and next I am just quiet. Recently, I was hanging out with men and talked here and there, mostly quiet. The conversations were not vulgar or anything even if they were not offended by it. I got uncomfortable and wanted an excuse to leave because I was quiet. Another part of me says I need to be home locked away like I was when I was a kid. :(

It's like I just get so bored for no apparent reason when I should be ecstatic to be sitting there talking with people at events. Also, people don't approach me as I do get told I am intimidating (headstrong too) and in social settings I feel ignored like that makes me wanna leave the social setting. :( I don't like being at home at all unless I have to be. Also, feels like I just hide at home. :( I have been in settings where I spoke and got looked at as if oh she spoke and then they went about conversating with each other; as if I wasn't there.

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Anyway, I have been working on myself just been a ton of up and down - still feel like I am not close to who I once was. One thing that ex married couple friend did tell me was to find and go back to who you're truly are. I know who and who I was: that outgoing social girl. She still hasn't emerged yet.

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My best friend is very social, has no probs walking up to others, and can get phone numbers in an instant. Since I am doing this on my own without a therapist (I don't like how a therapist makes me feel and would not have my time wasted by them), does anybody have any tips? What has helped you get where you are in your social skills? What materials did you use maybe a cbt workbook or something to help you?