I don’t know where to begin. My mind’s too hazy with brain fog to even come up with anything coherent to say. I wonder if typing out anything lengthy will even be worth it if I don’t get responses. But the brain fog’s part of my problems. I have ADHD and autism, and I sometimes wonder if they’re huge contributors to my inferiority complex.

I don’t feel like I’m equal to many of my peers. Friends included. I feel like it’s why I struggle to make friends. Why I don’t approach anybody. Because I psych myself out before I even have a chance to speak. But I do that because I often don’t have a clue on how to break the ice with new people. I’m too caught up into my own head to know what others are talking about. And I feel guilty about that. And I feel worse not being involved in a conversation because I have no clue what’s going on. It makes me hate myself.

That said, I do have plenty of friends I consider to be good friends. I get along with them fine, but I wish I could get along with them better. But also… how much better can I really make those friendships? They’re fine as is. I guess I get insecure thinking that they have their lives together or that they’re working on it, and here I am… not. I’m stuck. I dropped out of school and working a dead end job. My endeavors in music are few and far between nowadays because my own motivation is cut. What am I living for? All I need to do is work for what I want. But 1. I don’t know how to work anymore, and 2. I don’t know if I can really call music a passion of mine anymore if I’m not working on it.

My closest friend at the moment… I’ve had feelings for her for a long while now. She doesn’t feel the same way about me. And that’s been fine because she still makes a lot of time for me, and she sees me as her best friend. But recently, she started dating a new friend. And that’s flared up these feelings again. Anyway, I touched upon why she might not have seen me in that way before last night. She told me the biggest reason was because I idolized her. That I saw myself as lesser than her, when she’d want me to see myself as an equal. And that really put things into perspective for me.

My inferiority complex runs deep. I don’t know where it stems from, but I want to understand it, and break free from it. Why do I feel lesser than the people around me? What’s causing it? How do I help myself?

I’m so tired of feeling this way. And I’m so tired of losing out what I could be having.