Today was just an absolute eye opener/wake-up call about the true state of my social awkwardness.

I’m a 25(M), I get out fairly often I’d say (2x avg/wk with family/friends), but since I’m usually surrounded by people I know, it’s nothing that worries me. It’s when I’m in situations where I would love to meet new people is where I lag, a lot.

I’ve seen hundreds of those “approach” videos on YouTube and think to myself “that’s so easy, just talk to a stranger as if they’re a lifelong friend”. Today my ego was demolished when I had the rare chance to do it, with perfect conditions. I was getting some maintenance done on my car and popped into a bookstore/coffeeshop until it was done. I wanted to see my social abilities and began to look for ppl to talk to (took a day off on Monday so not that busy)

Person 1: girl was working on her laptop. Looked very approachable, but as I got closer, I just let my nerves get to me. During the whole hour I was walking around, I just had this fear that lingered which kept me from approaching. I kept trying to push myself but found myself just sweating profusely instead

Person 2: I ended up sitting down after feeling defeated and a guy came and sat down close by me. I wanted to tell him that the soup he was drinking smelled really good/ ask him what it was but couldn’t muster out a word. Again, I don’t know what it was but it felt like a noose around my neck preventing me from talking

Got a call that the service work was done shortly after person 2 sat down, but realized I still have alot of work needed on me…

It’s just so strange, once I get talking/get introduced to someone, I (think) I’m a natural and pretty good about keeping a good convo going. I don’t know, just something about blind interactions just make me go into this shell I thought I’d gotten out of after I stared my professional career…I guess not.

Also had therapy for my leg today for the first time ever, couldn’t hold eye contact with the therapist when she was asking for my symptoms, which struck me so hard I felt like an idiot. Always thought I was this “alpha” or whatever, pretty fit I’d say (athletic build, groomed, clean clothes,no speech implications ), I just think my social skills suck alot more than I really thought…which is weird because I’m talking to colleagues all day for work (4x/wk online, 1 day in person per week)

I don’t know what kind of help I need, maybe words of encouragement, I just feel like shit about myself right now