Ok so I never told anyone about this before but I have a problem with my looks. Growing up, my parents always made me feel so ugly and bad about my face and body. They would always comment on my looks and body and made me feel insecure. My mom also told me stuff about how as a woman, if you're not pretty in this world, no one cares about you. Now I know this was just a warped worldview and also that they were abusive.

But I still struggle everyday. All my life, I would check my face various times a day and if I did not look pretty, I would decide I did not deserve anything that day. I would feel awful. I think it's worst when I'm taking a shower, I always scrub my body extra hard because I get mad it and then I'm very rough with it especially while cleaning my private parts because I hate them so much:( and I didn't even realize I was doing this until recently. I try not to look at myself when outside but still I give in and catch my reflection in storefronts and it ruins my day so much. I feel like everyone is judging me, like every person who walks by me and glances at me is thinking about how ugly I am. I know it was just my parents that did that and not every single person is paying attention to me but that is how it feels sometimes.

And sometimes I feel good about myself and that's when I feel like I deserve to live. I had a period of time at the beginning of college when I was actually attractive, young and skinny with a decent face. I even had a boyfriend. Looking back on pictures, even at times when I felt my ugliest, I think to myself wait I wasn't that bad. And still there's the fact of my face: always changing somehow, yet perpetually ugly. I can't locate myself in a mirror because my features always become muddled. I have taken photos but I never see the same person in them: sometimes I have a big nose, sometimes I don't, sometimes my chin is too small, sometimes it's fine. I have Bad Face Days, even Bad Face Weeks, and Good Face Days.

I don't know what to do.