I realize that I’ve never truly gotten to know anyone I’ve been involved with romantically or sexually. I’ve only projected what I wanted onto them without seeing who they really are. I’d always vent about my problems so they got to know me & what I wanted… but I didn’t know who they were. The getting to know you phase is terrifying to me, which is why sex was always the ice breaker when interacting with someone I’m mutually attracted to. Then sex messes up my head & I become too emotionally attached & don’t want to lose them.

So I’m not having casual sex anymore. I’m forcing myself to get to know ppl first from now on. But talking to ppl I’m attracted to scares me. My mind would go blank & I didn’t know what to say.. I never felt like I had game. I live only ever been played. I’m not letting myself be played anymore & am trying to learn how to enjoy the getting to know you process. I realized I talk about myself & complain about my problems too much (I’ve always had a tough time & still am going through tough times though)… I get so stuck inside my head..

When I think of ex bf’s I didn’t know anything about them really. My platonic and familial relationships have so much more depth. I’ve tolerated so much abuse & was fed so many lies… I didn’t ever see their true character until the end. It’s crazy to me that I could be with them for so long & not know anything about them. So I’m trying to learn to ask them more questions about themselves too.

So I’m talking to someone now & I feel like the interest is mutual. As the days go by, I look forward to seeing him. & I realize I’ve never done this before…. I’ve never talked to and gotten to know someone I’m attracted to without having sex immediately. Maybe I was afraid to ask questions in the past bc I was afraid I wouldn’t like the answers… I overthink everything.