I have had a rocky relationship with socializing. It sounds nice and i can see why, on paper, it would be enjoyable but it stresses me out so much to the point i cant really do it.

Thinking of things to say is hard and im not good at defending my views so its awakward when someone disagrees and most of the time i change the subject or pretend to agree with them. In general i dont think i really even have real views or a personality, being opinionated requires a defence of those views and that sounds hard. Upsetting people is a big fear of mine and i try to be as open minded as possible but it seems like there are still things i fail to consider.

It feels like such an unnatural chore to interact with another person. The most i can do if i dont know someone is say something boring like "some class, huh?" Then not say anything else and end the interaction there. Like a deeper connection with anyone is unimagineable to me, like what would we do all do with nothing to talk about. This in particular makes me really sad, having a gf sounds so nice but i dont think im interesting enough to be cut out as boyfriend material.

If im with myself alone things are predictable, i cant exactly offend or make me uncomfortable. I wonder genuinely if im autistic because this repulsion to social interaction does not seem normal. Idk what good it would be to even have it diagnosed as its expensive to do so and it is not causing me any other problems plus there is no "cure".

It stresses me out hearing how dangerous social isolation is for people and thats mostly how im living at and it brings me peace. Should i be worried? Ill be done with college in less than 2 years and im a hermit already. This is supposed to be the easiest time in life to make connections and i have not. Im so scared and feel doomed.