I don’t really know why I wrote this but I’ve been struggling lately trying to get sober and I thought I just need to write it all down. Idek if this is the right place to post this (if it’s not tell me and I’ll take it down) but I just want someone out there to see me I guess as corny as it sounds anyways here it is:

(Edit when I woke up I made it rhyme and flow a little more I think it’s a bit more poem-esque now lol)

                    -Its Not A Problem-

It’s not a problem We were just having fun We learned it on the street, watching how our role models had done Because our parents were always absent But the big homies didn’t have addictions, or that’s at least what we thought back then So we picked up the bowl and light And started the cycle again

It’s not a problem It’s just stealing cigarettes Beer runs at night It’s just smoking weed in the bathroom everyday before each class Normal middle school activities, right? We were just “ghetto trash” Or that’s what the schools viewed us as

It still isn’t a problem Then high school hit Still doing beer runs Still smoking them cigarettes Only now the other kids got curious and wanted to experiment We had all the connects, and hooked our friends up with the shits We realized we could make some money Maybe I could help my uncle with the rent

It still isn’t a problem Now we were out on corners slanging through the night Making money off of the feins, just trying to get by But feins can get unpredictable And Im starting to tired Maybe a hit of Rico will get me right

It still isn’t a problem “Nah man I’m not addicted” That’s what I said to Saul that night, as I picked up my baggie and sniffed it

But I swear it’s not a problem I just use the coke to stay awake Then a bar to calm the edge And another bump to ice the cake Then pop a few blue kisses in the morning, just to celebrate

It still isn’t a problem We just like to compete How many pink ones can you take? “I bet I can drink you to sleep” Then my first overdose 15 years old I mixed a blue in with the whites And woke up on the bathroom floor with my face covered in vomit Then passed back out cold

It’s still not a problem “Nah bro it was a mistake,” “If anybody got a problem, it’s Eddie and his shady 8s.” Then we all laughed And took turns bumping on coka Maybe if we weren’t so high We would have actually seen him sitting on the sofa

While he passed away right next to me

It still isn’t a problem I can’t even get high anymore Fuck it let’s try something new Maybe the blues I done sold before So I got myself a foil and a 2 dollar M30 pill And lit it up And fell down And felt it bend me to its will Time seemed to stand still I couldn’t feel my arms Time seemed to stand still I never felt this high before It’s a new kind of thrill

A sophomore now

But it still isn’t a problem Now I can’t go more than a few hours Without that tasty little blue Those M30 Percocet, I couldn’t get enough of it Then I started to understand How Eddie felt those months before he died, It was like dying didn’t even matter, As long as I died high

It still isn’t a problem Just a few months ago I was selling G funk and cocaine Clocking massive profits, Moving product Credit to my connects on southern soil But now I’m just like the buyers Driven by the pure desire to put another blue up in my foil

It might be a problem As can be expected I ODd again 17 years old My mother woke me up screaming She must have thought that I was dead I saw her face and was so confused when no sound came out I went completely deaf And passed back out

Its definitely a problem Two years later now, I’m California sober A bowl here and a bowl there And now that I’m without them, after all those years of using, I have no sense of self I never got to grow up, or make my personality I missed out on the first 20 years of life Because I was chasing chemical fantasies Not to mention my brothers and sister, To most of which, I never got to say goodbye But life goes on, que será, será, así se va, In the life of a kid who was told he’d never get his diploma Now I’m trying to reconnect with real life Focusing on work and school, and finding new thrills, and an amazing relationship with even more amazing girl But no matter what I do Or how much I feel guilty I just can’t seem to replace the hole those drugs left inside me

Turns out it was always a problem We were young and having fun, At risk youth just trying to escape From the violence and anger we came from What we didn’t know was the pain it would cause us, and the lives it would take And how it sealed so many of my brothers fates To a life time of servitude, to a master with no mercy And to break from those chains is a challenge only the 2% can face