Hello to all who stop and read this.

I'm 18, and have been struggling for a while with my size. However, it's not a constant sorrow that haunts me day after day. I am, for the most part, a pretty happy go lucky person. I've accepted my lack of size, and have done everything in my power to "get over it." Though I do struggle with phases that happen maybe once or twice a year. They've occurred since the start of high school, and will probably be a regular occurrence for the rest of my life.

Anyways, one of the main reasons I'm posting here is due to the severity of the phase I just went through. My most recent phase of SDD (Small Dick Depression, which is my term for my depression episodes) has had more of an effect on my family than me. For the first few days I was just sad, and planning out ways to better myself. This time round, I decided that I should be more active in an attempt to lose weight. This did help quite a bit, with me going from around roughly 240-ish pounds, to around 216. This new mindset had helped me slowly curve away from falling deeper into my depression, but other matters would derail me into a deeper pit of despair.

The middle part of these phases is where problems usually start to occur. Now for clarification, my family doesn't like my opinion of myself at all. I will be honest, and outright say I don't see myself as attractive or desirable in any way. I'm antisocial, overweight, embarrassed of my hobbies, and generally not a person that's relationship material. My opinions of myself don't come out often, unless I'm going through something. And unfortunately for my family, when I'm going through SDD, this is when I'm the most negative. I don't try to attack myself, but I don't feel like I'm a person that deserves good attention. In my mind, I’m just a person that wastes people's time. Anyways, I didn’t really understand how much negativity I showed up until recently. Once I realized, I genuinely felt terrible for my family. It’s like they're walking on eggshells to make me feel better about myself. My father and I got into several arguments, some being absolutely ridiculous over small comments I made. Those arguments ended up with me feeling like I was just making my parents' lives a nightmare. What makes it worse is that they tried to figure out what was wrong with me. They assumed something happened in my friend group, but I just wouldn’t spill. I told them that it was a personal issue that, if they could fix it, I’d jump at the opportunity. This made them more confused, as it wasn’t descriptive or helpful. This awkward circle of arguments and talks made the whole situation feel like it was just dragging me down further into sadness. Then, came the next phase.

The final part of the phase… My desire for love. I know logically it's stupid for me not to try, but I’m genuinely terrified of trying to date someone, and then promptly being broken up with due to my size. Now, I can usually get over these desires by just ignoring it, but my brother got a girlfriend recently and this unexpectedly made my SDD episode much worse. As unfortunate as this is to say, my levels of sexual tension had built up heavily. I broke a year-long streak of not pleasing myself during the quickly worsening episode. I felt so mad that he got a special someone, and I was stroking my little penis. Doomed to be alone forever.

The only reason my month-long SDD episode ended was due to me feeling sick for making everyone around me feel like trash. I love my friends and family beyond belief, as they're the only people I'll ever really have. My sad excuse of an attitude made me realize how silly this whole situation was. I'm small, I can't fix it, it's just my life. I almost ruined good friendships, and a strong family bond due to SDD. I also realized how stupid I was for undoing everything I had built up since my last SDD episode. I quickly started to focus on myself. My desire for love faded once more, my sadness slowly disappearing due to my work out grind, and my attitude towards myself shifting away from being super negative.

I'm not typing this for opinions or thoughts, though those are welcomed. I'm typing this as a warning to not let your opinions and thoughts make you someone you're not. Most of us here were dealt a card that sucks, but that doesn't mean we should take it out intentionally, or unintentionally, on the people we love.

Thanks for reading y’all, take care.