Hi folks, Writing this on my cruising account for transparency and accountability.

I relapsed a month ago with someone who subscribed to an online sex work site I maintained. I told myself it was just a one-off but the experience was unsatisfactory and now I’m “using” regularly with a former partner.

The fact that I’m on this account is a sign that something has gone awry, but I am really struggling with willingness to get better.

Maintaining sobriety is so fucking hard. It is an all-consuming activity that I am so sick of doing! Sobriety is hard despite the fact that I am dating someone who I have been in love with for years. And despite the fact that I also have another partner I see more casually (but with enough intimacy that it doesn’t fulfill my addiction). I do 3 hours of therapy a week. I have a robust support net. I have all the tools I need to avoid using. I don’t even particularly LIKE using! But I don’t like not using either.

Most of all, I don’t want to go back to meetings. I don’t want to go to any straight group, but I got so sick of the queer group in my city. Everyone has the same BS every week — because that’s how addiction goes — and I found myself deeply resentful of “having to” be in these goddamn Zooms.

I know that if I read literature or go back to meetings I will have an easier time getting clean again, but I just don’t want to.

Thanks for reading. Good luck all