I feel nothing anymore, really. I have loved love all my life but now it feels unattainable and like it’s not even something I should think or worry about anymore. I literally also feel nothing anymore, like no sensations in my body, other than dull pains and aches, obviously, what every woman wants in a partner right?

All kidding aside, I’ve had suicidal ideation since about age 14 or so, and as I enter my 30s those thoughts are coming back strong but in particular because of the negative experiences I’ve had with love in recent years. And I mean love in all forms, from romantic love, to familial and friendship love, all aspects of love in my life are seeing so much strife and I have lost hope for how I can repair it.

Anytime people interact with me I just feel nothing, I just want to go away because I know that I am being weird and awkward and emotionless, like a dead zombie robot or some shit. I just want to go away somewhere far and fall in love but then not gonna lie I also want that crazy party lifestyle still, and it just feels like what I want is super unrealistic. So it feels like I should give up on love. And by giving up on love honestly it makes me wanna give up on life. Just looking for someone who can relate, I am terrible at replying quickly to all responses but if others feel similarly it’d be comforting to know so, cause I am so numb.

I just want to feel the joy and love of being alive again. I just want to feel connected to someone in this cold world. And sadly every now and then when I do connect with someone, it ends up not working out for one reason or another. Anytime I think I am in truly in love in turns out it was just in my head.