Trigger Warning: Heavy Content including mental health and more.

Typing away at one in the morning when my filter is less restrained. I might delete this tomorrow if I reread it and hate it.

Alright, I'm gonna cut through the bullshit here. I was not always the best rp partner. I made a lot of mistakes while I was still learning the rules of size based roleplay. I regret the way I reacted to and treated some people when things started going south. I regret spending so much time trying to get people back who clearly wanted nothing to do with me. But at the same time... When someone agrees to do a fun size-y rp, and everything is going well, only to have them disappear and start advertising to find new partners...

Let me make something clear here. I was abused as a kid, by both authority figures and by peers. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and - though the details are very fuzzy at this point - sexually. Hell, I remember the first time someone told me to kill myself was when I was 9 or 10. I learned from a very young age to take what other people say to me to heart. If people don't like you, you are the problem. If they ignore you, act like it's a chore to talk to you, it's on you. If they take an interest in you, and then bail, it's your responsibility. You hurt them. You offended them. You failed to be the person they needed you to be. That's actually why I don't like degradation and humiliation in my size fantasies. I already feel a little weird and guilty about wanting to play with feet that are bigger than I am, I don't want to do it unless the other person also enjoys it and won't judge me. I get enough people in my personal life telling me I'm not good enough - I tell myself I'm not good enough too much too. I don't need people telling me about it in my fantasy world too.

Back to the point though. Size Roleplays. I've had terrific ones. I've had terrible ones. I've had people lie to me directly. One girl said "I'm not done with you yet, just really busy." Only to make a ton of new rp ads and ignore me when I responded to some of them. Some just stop responding altogether or deleted their accounts in the middle of an rp. You couldn't have at least said you weren't interested anymore? You couldn't have said goodbye before leaving me behind? I know in my head that it's not always about me. People get busy, they get in the mood for something else, or they just weren't intrigued by the opening message. But when I go through dry spells of being ignored, and people don't wanna give me that chance, I can't help but feel discouraged. Like even among social outcasts, I'm not accepted. Hell, I feel that sometimes here when I publish a size story or post a size-y post, and get zero traction on it. My ideas just aren't good enough or popular enough.

Before anyone asks, I'm in therapy. But lately, it seems like my usual support people have been out of touch. I just wanted to pour my soul out to the void and be heard by someone again. I know usually only one or two people read through these long posts I make. Thank you to whoever gives me those small upvotes and short comments of approval. They keep me going sometimes. Alright, I'm going to bed now. Peace.