So brief bio - without going into superfluous details, my very early sexual fantasies and online exploration involved submission, cnc, and feminization, in self play and guided submission. My real life adolescence molded my public facing persona into a more stereotypical athletic and academic achievement/recognition-driven masculine type A template.

My keystone college relationship was with a dominant girl, older than me, who basically turned me into a service top without my realizing what was happening and with an almost cliche lack of self awareness; that not withstanding, it was under her that I created the personality design I've taken into every relationship since - projecting outward masculinity and authority as a dumb veneer covering vulnerability, softness, and a crippling need for validation.

Now I'm 40 and realizing that (1) I know I'm not actually fully straight with respect to orientation and attraction, (2) I'm not positive what I identify as with respect to gender and (3) I don't know how deeply this lack of self knowledge extends beyond sexuality into my true self.

I think I need somebody who's further along in their own self discovery to be a friend or mentor... am I in the right place? I really, really appreciate anybody who read this far.